Monday, May 21, 2012

Star's revenge

I am be confused,
I have spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and centuries,  thinking about you. wondering about you.  somedays you would appear to me.  in my thoughts, in my prayers and dreams, of you.
why was I one of the thousands of mothers to be chosen ?  I do not know.  maybe, because I love  his father, like no other.

I already know,  you hear my prayers and my cries.
I know people since Ancient times, have kneeled and prayed to you.
what if I never thought of you again. what would that be like?
If I never said your name again, would you notice?
My Sun My Moon My Earth..
I know I  can be a driving force of energy, that Ball of fire, I am from another World. that Star.....
I have given you myself, but you leave me alone.
my heart crashes some days,   it makes me so blue.  I have no one.
Worshippers have cursed the gods since  the beginning of Religion.
Curse the Gods.  Would I? of course.... 
I know the Gods need Us. without our prayers and thoughts and even without our cursing the gods, without that energy you, God .. would dissappear and become nothing. Dissapear just like I have.  too long ago and too far apart.


Autism can be cruel, Autism can be a blessing. stealing my son's ability to communicate is cruel. Autism is emotional somedays everyday.  Autism isolates us.
I have to own a special reserve of Patience for Autism..  my Patience can never run out in Phoenix's Autistic world.parents of autism understand this.  why dont you?  why dont you have any patience for  a minute of my world?
I hear you complain, when their was only a few moments spent with you.


 it can be a lonely ..  you know how lonely I must be.
always something better over there. Somedays I need Love and Not for you to turn, around and run and listen to someone else.  Always ready to love and give yourself to another, they need you more I guess.
I know, a  Present from you, would be nice, but I would prefer some simple  Bliss, even someone elses bliss...passed over again.  for someone else or something better. story of my world  it seems.
Oneday,  I hope you cry. and feel something, anything,  from my spiritual level.


we are not even speaking,  unbelievable.  is their any chance for us?  you clearly do not need my love.
I already know,  there will never be a day.  when i talk to you,  you seem to need  me,  i know better.
somethings should never be said.
 you must  confuse me with another..  the damage done to my heart, well, when it comes to you I have  no more tears....  damage,  you do not have to say i love you.  God, i wish you were not real.


time will always move forward.  and when that day comes when you need me, I do not know where I will be.   maybe I will pass you by and your heart can hurt ,like my heart hurt.  you pass by me over, and over.. always something better over there... how could  you keep passing me by, the one thing that you are suppose to love until forever?  you kept passing me by. how many times,god,  will you pass on me.  you have left me crying all alone on the porch .. so, so, many times. when all i had was you.  everyone knows it too. People watched you Pass me by.......  
I cant wait for you to cry and for you to feel some sort of pain or heart ache. i cant wait for your heart to ache, like my heart has been inflamed by your ability to pass me over with zero guilt.
 
 If  you never heard my  voice again..... would it matter? probably not,  there are so many others that praise you.

I miss you  ,you whisper .. I hear,lies, lies,  who are you talking too??  not me, that must have been that other girl.
I do not even know her anymore.

 I dont need anything from you and I need everything from you.  but you dont hear it..  you have made me live my life without you.

 
Now, so many people know me... and you have know idea..


with the days new sunrise maybe. I will think of god with love again. and once again praise you.











Monday, May 14, 2012

Open your Heart and Your Mind to Autism

another season Ends another one begins.
the little Phoenix is growing up so fast.  He is a Giant among his peers.in height, in strength.
Phoenix has been accepted into Summer School at the Autism Center.
He needs to learn to Blend in with today's modern society, and at the Autism Center they will  teach him these skills.   these skills, in which the typicals are naturally born with.
I try to smile about Phoenix going to the  Autism Center.
I know I am on my Own with this.  Phoenix's father has a difficult time accepting  Autism.
Its to Hard for him to handle,  leaving me feeling  alone with you.
its hard sometimes for me too.  I just want  Phoenix to feel normal. and feel...
the school system where we live  give  children test to enter into jk.
In Phoenix's first ever school test,  the little fellow, tested into  Junior Kindergarten.
But, because of his lacking of social skills, and lack of patience for anything,  he will start school this fall at the Autism School.  Autism  is very difficult to wrap your mind around.  I have encountered ten autistic children over the last couple years. Every one different.



Open your heart and mind to Autism,  I always tell Phoenix's father.  His father has a hard time with acceptance of Phoenix's Autism.  I understand, he is not the only father to feel some sort of loss. the love of a father to a son is one of the greatest forces on Earth.
this love of a father to a son has ran deep since Ancient times. Since ancient times,  from Pharaohs, to  kings, to an everyday father wishing for his son to takeover the family business..  A father Always wishes for a Son.especially a first born Son.the desire to have a son is  very strong.


 Our reality is, Autism,  just sneaks up on you.like a crushing hammer.  the father already had dreams of his son, from school years, to military service,  to becoming a contributing adult to society. Beginning with the Autism Diagnosis.  All your dreams come crashing to the ground at  that very  moment of the autism diagnosis.
and the father is Left with Wonder??
he wonders if he will speak?
he wonders if I will ever hear my son  say the words... I love you
he wonders if he graduate High School?
he wonders if my son will ever get married?
he wonders if he will have a friend?
he wonders....
he wonders.....
it hurts for a while.
but then you realize the miracle,  the miracle your son is here.
 In a new Age and a new day dawning. Different but the same.  the new crystal children are here.
Most in disguise..and some are Brave. blazing a  trail.
you know,  i often get a chance to wonder myself.
I wonder why most Autistic children have difficult time understanding conversation
I wonder when will people figure out that these Autistic Childen, are here for a reason, maybe we shouldnt try to make them blend in with  Society.
I wonder why the sudden increase in  Autism  diagnosis.  1-55 Boys.
Imagine lining up 55 little boys in a row.  and One of them will be diagnosed with Autism.
These children are here for a reason.
I wonder,  are these Autistic Children  real earth world mutations?
I wonder why Phoenix loves Hugging trees..
I wonder why Phoenix loves the rain
I wonder why Phoenix loves Shapes.
I wonder , how did he get so strong
I wonder why other Autistic children love me,  one I met even calls me mama.







Sunday, February 19, 2012

the insomnia of my life

its was past midnight and i could not go to sleep. that insomnia thing often takes hold of me. my life long problem of drifting to sleep.
it last to long, insomnia
i wonder ...while i lay in my bed, and stare down my hallway. it seems a lot of things manifest there
i wonder, as i try to fall a sleep.
if i had not waited so long for Phoenix
Phoenix
i dont make the rules.
I have taken so many chances, but that's how life goes.
believe me, the Sun in your eyes makes life worth living. Phoenix
i dont know how but i can read your mind.
i try so hard to sleep.
the dream is to drift away.
just for a day.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

dark time of the year

some days I am at a dark spot of emptiness in my self, its winter time in the mountains you know.the dark time of the year.
I am keep calling to the gods, do you hear me calling you. do you hear me calling you? you have always been there for me. I know you can hear me Now.
it will not be long now, and i will call to you No More.
My call to you will become screams. loud screams, begging you to break the curse of Autism.
it is the dark time of the year
i have lost all my thoughts and thrown them to the darkest of nights.
I do not know if Phoenix has improved. I hear his words. it seems i am the only one who understand his words.
Autism is his curse. Autism is my curse.
maybe, i wanted you so deeply madly,Phoenix. i caused your curse. my selfish love and wanting of one of my dreams to come true.
I have been told many, times, by different people in Phoenix's life. That Autistic children are gifted. I do not know what that gift maybe, for Phoenix. Phoenix's gift could be his mere existence into this world.
the warmth of Phoenix's touch. and the sweetness of his kisses.
how Phoenix came to be was not very simple. a miracle, the gift of his life. from years before conception until his birthday.
i waited so long, i will wait some more.
One day when the wind blows the right direction, I will hear three words from Phoenix. i love you.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

School for Early Crystals

Phoenix has been enjoying his Early Childhood class. He has been so excited to get to school lately. he runs to his classroom every morning.
I enjoy seeing the typical children as well as the special needs children. There is a grand mix of children in this years Early Childhood class.
The Early Childhood Class should be called School for Early Crystals.
Another crystal has appeared in the class. and Phoenix Found this one. A girl. She is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. the biggest clue of this crystal child, she has giant light blue eyes.
Phoenix grabbed this little girl's hand during playtime Outside, and ran with her to the bench, so, she would sit with him. Phoenix rarely plays with the other children. This was a Huge moment for Phoenix. I do not know what they could have been talking about. but, they were holding hands sitting on the bench.
Then Phoenix, pushed her to the ground and ran away.
Why did he have to push her down, when he had done, so, well communicating with her.
I worry about Phoenix, does he have a conscious?
He is four years old,I remind myself. hey, its hard to keep positive when your child has been diagnosed with Autism.
I try, All reason aside, I have not cried over it.
because I am reminded so graciously from god.
the book of Thomas. from the lost books.
we were all children once.
even Jesus was a child at one time.

School for Early Crystals
Phoenix goes to school to learn social skills and speech. this little crystal biggest skill to learn in school is Patience.
Phoenix has zero patience and he hates waiting in Line in school for things. His Zero patience has gotten him second place in the lunch room line everyday.
Maybe that was his goal to begin with.
I think All People hate waiting, and People hate waiting in lines in amusements parks,we hate waiting in line at the Grocery store. lines line lines
This a normal thing, but Phoenix does not understand the waiting. He thinks things are suppose to happen when he wants them to. snap snap

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

those Shoes have Heels

very curious a crystal child is.
anything new, they wish to observe, quietly, they stare. and sometimes they make a quick move.

I went to pick my autistic crystal up from his early childhood class. everyday, his teachers give me the run down on his behavior, his triumphs, and failures of the day.
this particular day, Phoenix was still napping. and it took me a while to wake him up.
his teacher finished with the other students and came over to talk to me.
she started speaking with a giggle, "we had a volunteer helper from the high school today and she was wearing stiletto four inch heels" and Phoenix was curious so very curious.
first the volunteer went outside to the playground and those heels were sinking into the playground with every step she made Phoenix was at her feet. Phoenix was curious, why was her high heels going into the ground. the volunteer then realized maybe she should take those high heels off. then Phoenix really was thrown off. you are suppose to have on shoes when you go outside. Phoenix kept trying to put her high heel shoes back on her feet. Phoenix had never seen shoes like that before.
when the children came back inside from playing, the volunteer put back on her shoes. Phoenix was at her feet by now, closely examining the heels of her shoes.
the volunteer decided to walk away and as her heel went up Phoenix grabbed a hold of the heel of her shoe to look at the heel closer and the entire class watched as she tumbled to the floor. She went down because of Phoenix being curious.
His autism could be the reason for him being so curious about the high heel shoes.
his teacher said the volunteer learned not to wear those kind of shoes today. I cant even wear high heels with Phoenix, I bought a pair of really cute wedges, and no way can I wear those shoes out with Phoenix and those slick as glass floors.
i felt so bad as a mother. Phoenix did not intend for the volunteer to fall to the ground. luckily she was okay and laughed about it.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

chomp chomp

Phoenix has been going to speech therapy once a week to his private speech therapist and twice a week with his school speech therapist. it seems some days Phoenix makes great strides with speech and language, and then their are those Other Days. Autistic parents know what those Other days are.
My Other Day consisted of Phoenix's teacher showing me the bite marks on her arm. Phoenix was drinking water out of the sink and his teacher grabbed him from behind,startled him, and Phoenix took a bite,chomp. god, dont ask me why Phoenix did it. I wanted to rip his little head off. I could not believe my eyes when i saw the mark on her arm. Phoenix's teacher was very nice and understanding. She said he is mild compared to what she handled at the Autism Center. I know his teacher is trained to handle these situations, but still.,,,,,,,,,,, it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel lost in these transitional Autism moments....
Phoenix had his four year wellness check up.complete with vaccines, oh it was madness. just madness. Phoenix had to be held down by his father and two nurses, while the doctor gave him the vaccines. his doctor referred us to a near by university, to maybe help more with his speech and language. his asian doctor said sometime Autistic children never improve. i was crushed .
I knew she was probably right. I have had opportunities to see other autistic children, some on one end of the Autism spectrum,and the rest on the other end. Phoenix is in the middle,i would guess.
His speech is improving, but at snail's speed.