dreams of Autism

How many times must I Repeat this.
Some many people ask me I How felt, when  I received Phoenix's Autism diagnosis. most can not believe,  I did not feel sad, devastated, where there tears?  no tears.
I have always been just grateful to God,  that Phoenix was here.    He was a miracle, a real in person miracle.
I remember nights when I was pregnant, and I could not fall asleep, and I was alone by myself.  I could hear the whispers. the whispers, Your son will have Autism.  as I drifted to sleep, I said in my dreams, I can handle Autism, just make him appear. make him beautiful.  please, in my dreams I pleaded to the gods to make him appear like everyone else.

Autism is like stepping over Mountains, its an enormous leap. but, Phoenix is here
He was so little when we received his diagnosis of Autism. Phoenix was just two years old.

New Autism School

Phoenix has been going to his new Autism school.  I have even let him enjoy the school bus. My crystal baby is becoming a Crystal Child.
I cant believe Life is happening this way.  I always wanted Phoenix to live a normal life,  but he is not a normal child.  I have tried and tried.  Parents of typical children never know what this is like.
i think often that maybe Phoenix is the new Normal.
more and more of the children are being Born with Autism.   Does God have a Plan for Our Sons? 
Emotional but unemotional children.

the autism school sends home a journal everyday with a little a note.  most reading, Phoenix ate his sandwich and raisins.  He is so smart,  bla bla bla
it has been to school for fifteen days, and his journal always reads. He is smart.  but, what in the world is he doing to be called smart on most every journal entry.
sometimes i feel like the Autism School is just being nice in those journal entries.
isnt that the way it goes.

lately Phoenix has been driving me nuts.  He has learned how to use the remote control.  and he loves DVR.  he rewinds his favorite shows over and over.  he does learn to say new words this way. that repetition thing.

Power Outage and Autism

what a couple of strange days we have had.  we had a powerful storm roll through the mountains leaving millions without power.  electricity....
poor Phoenix.  autistics are so routine driven,  most autistics want their day planned the same everyday,  it builds comfort for them  i guess.  but, my gosh,  Phoenix did not understand why he could not watch his precious TV.   He kept grabbing the remote and pushing the buttons and nothing would happen for him.  shew,  Phoenix had the ultimate melt down.  it was already really quite because we didn't have any power and it was dark.  Phoenix was fine with the darkness, but the no TV.  his voice was vibrating the walls.  there was not anything i could do to calm him.   his meltdown felt like an eternity...  screaming, fist pounding madness.  a temper tantrum five fold.
Phoenix finally calmed down,  he gave me a hug and started playing with a flash light.
and he was happy again.  then daddy went and got a generator, and Phoenix could watch a dvd movie.  he was so happy, laughing and giggling watching TV. Phoenix's daddy became a savior in the eyes of Phoenix.  finally something normal, while going with out power and cold showers.
it took a number of days before the power was restored and some people are still sadly without power.with millions without power i know some of the people have a child with Autism.  my goodness what a total upheaval  in routine. i prayed for a lot of patience...
 and one gallon of bubble juice help Phoenix make it through the boredom.  bubbles are wonderful, ya know?
 Phoenix is almost balanced back out and back in to routine.  he still doest understand not going to school.  the autism school closed because of the power outage.  he was ready for school this morning. 
he sadly took off his shoes and sat on the couch with me and watched the morning news.
I made him his favorite breakfast. plain  toast and one box of raisins.

Disconnected

can you tell me if this life is fair?
I wish I knew.
as everyday passes I feel more and more disconnected from  my family. maybe they think of me sometimes.
I dont know why. autism maybe.
People always fear what they do not understand. but a family I do not have.  its pretty sad.
It came clear to me when asked at one of Phoenix's meetings with the school board,  Do you have any kind of support system,  or family to help you out with Phoenix? I smiled and looked at my husband, and we shook our heads no.  No one, just us.
I do not mean to be to so disconnected. 
I feel that love went away when I moved away.  Out of site out of mind.
All I have to talk to is you, and the rest of world.
I wish my family just had a minute with Phoenix in his own enviroment.  He is brillant beautiful child. and I wish they wanted to get to know him.  time just keeps speeding up, every minute going faster and faster. before we know it time is up. Phoenix is already five.  I often think, maybe they just do not want to know him. it hurts. I try to understand how people become so self absorbed with themselves. I will never understand.
nothing is ever easy.
has Autism disconnected me too?

I will move on now. 

brown liquid

I have not ever been truly scared in my entire life.  but, autism scares me.  i know i am not suppose to feel this way, but i do.  some days a strong regression shows in Phoenix.  he becomes a different child when he drinks any type of cola beverage.  Phoenix calls it brown liquid.  after he drinks a sip he slips away.  it almost a allergic reaction.  he drops to the floor and starts spinning in circles like a demon possessed child.  and he starts grinding his teeth...     its strange.  this beverage that most people have tasted once in their life,  the bubbles,  the yummy of it all.  everyone enjoys a soda every once in a while.  some people have this soda every single day. Phoenix, who i wish could be normal just a little bit, can not have even  a taste.  can you imagine no brown cola in your life? its pretty simple for most of us.  Autism is not. Phoenix is not. being  Crystal is not.
after just a sip it took Phoenix three days to recover.  no more soda in the house for sure.

another planet

Phoenix has developed a new sensory issue.  teeth grinding.  if you have ever watched any of the Predator movies,  the Predator makes these crinkle sounds.  and that's exactly what my child sounds like when he grinds his teeth.  if you did not comprehend by now,  Autism is a new discovery and new adventure, whether it be positive or negative every day.  Even though Phoenix loves routines,  every day is different.

I do not grasp the teeth grinding sensory.  I wonder what it means for him, every time he grinds his teeth and crackles.

have you heard about these new children,  the crystals, and autism?
are these autistic children mutations?  mostly boys.  born for a reason  beyond our  imaginations,
 intensive strong children, some born  with autism have zero emotions. some born with autism feel no pain,  some born with autism have no words.  some born with autism have an incredible memory.  in the years to come, the future,  we will learn more about these children. why do they have these abilities and why we do not?  maybe we should not try to cure autism. maybe we will learn more from these children.
it is June of 2012.  what will we learn next about these autistic crystal children.

when you see one of these children, you will meet autism, a miracle being though.  these children are so different than the typical children.  Phoenix barely acknowledges other children his age.  he always chooses to play alone or on a another planet.

Star's revenge

I am be confused,
I have spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and centuries,  thinking about you. wondering about you.  somedays you would appear to me.  in my thoughts, in my prayers and dreams, of you.
why was I one of the thousands of mothers to be chosen ?  I do not know.  maybe, because I love  his father, like no other.

I already know,  you hear my prayers and my cries.
I know people since Ancient times, have kneeled and prayed to you.
what if I never thought of you again. what would that be like?
If I never said your name again, would you notice?
My Sun My Moon My Earth..
I know I  can be a driving force of energy, that Ball of fire, I am from another World. that Star.....
I have given you myself, but you leave me alone.
my heart crashes some days,   it makes me so blue.  I have no one.
Worshippers have cursed the gods since  the beginning of Religion.
Curse the Gods.  Would I? of course.... 
I know the Gods need Us. without our prayers and thoughts and even without our cursing the gods, without that energy you, God .. would dissappear and become nothing. Dissapear just like I have.  too long ago and too far apart.


Autism can be cruel, Autism can be a blessing. stealing my son's ability to communicate is cruel. Autism is emotional somedays everyday.  Autism isolates us.
I have to own a special reserve of Patience for Autism..  my Patience can never run out in Phoenix's Autistic world.parents of autism understand this.  why dont you?  why dont you have any patience for  a minute of my world?
I hear you complain, when their was only a few moments spent with you.


 it can be a lonely ..  you know how lonely I must be.
always something better over there. Somedays I need Love and Not for you to turn, around and run and listen to someone else.  Always ready to love and give yourself to another, they need you more I guess.
I know, a  Present from you, would be nice, but I would prefer some simple  Bliss, even someone elses bliss...passed over again.  for someone else or something better. story of my world  it seems.
Oneday,  I hope you cry. and feel something, anything,  from my spiritual level.


we are not even speaking,  unbelievable.  is their any chance for us?  you clearly do not need my love.
I already know,  there will never be a day.  when i talk to you,  you seem to need  me,  i know better.
somethings should never be said.
 you must  confuse me with another..  the damage done to my heart, well, when it comes to you I have  no more tears....  damage,  you do not have to say i love you.  God, i wish you were not real.


time will always move forward.  and when that day comes when you need me, I do not know where I will be.   maybe I will pass you by and your heart can hurt ,like my heart hurt.  you pass by me over, and over.. always something better over there... how could  you keep passing me by, the one thing that you are suppose to love until forever?  you kept passing me by. how many times,god,  will you pass on me.  you have left me crying all alone on the porch .. so, so, many times. when all i had was you.  everyone knows it too. People watched you Pass me by.......  
I cant wait for you to cry and for you to feel some sort of pain or heart ache. i cant wait for your heart to ache, like my heart has been inflamed by your ability to pass me over with zero guilt.
 
 If  you never heard my  voice again..... would it matter? probably not,  there are so many others that praise you.

I miss you  ,you whisper .. I hear,lies, lies,  who are you talking too??  not me, that must have been that other girl.
I do not even know her anymore.

 I dont need anything from you and I need everything from you.  but you dont hear it..  you have made me live my life without you.

 
Now, so many people know me... and you have know idea..


with the days new sunrise maybe. I will think of god with love again. and once again praise you.