Monday, May 21, 2012

Star's revenge

I am be confused,
I have spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and centuries,  thinking about you. wondering about you.  somedays you would appear to me.  in my thoughts, in my prayers and dreams, of you.
why was I one of the thousands of mothers to be chosen ?  I do not know.  maybe, because I love  his father, like no other.

I already know,  you hear my prayers and my cries.
I know people since Ancient times, have kneeled and prayed to you.
what if I never thought of you again. what would that be like?
If I never said your name again, would you notice?
My Sun My Moon My Earth..
I know I  can be a driving force of energy, that Ball of fire, I am from another World. that Star.....
I have given you myself, but you leave me alone.
my heart crashes some days,   it makes me so blue.  I have no one.
Worshippers have cursed the gods since  the beginning of Religion.
Curse the Gods.  Would I? of course.... 
I know the Gods need Us. without our prayers and thoughts and even without our cursing the gods, without that energy you, God .. would dissappear and become nothing. Dissapear just like I have.  too long ago and too far apart.

Autism can be cruel, Autism can be a blessing. stealing my son's ability to communicate is cruel. Autism is emotional somedays everyday.  Autism isolates us.
I have to own a special reserve of Patience for Autism..  my Patience can never run out in Phoenix's Autistic world.parents of autism understand this.  why dont you?  why dont you have any patience for  a minute of my world?
I hear you complain, when their was only a few moments spent with you.

 it can be a lonely ..  you know how lonely I must be.
always something better over there. Somedays I need Love and Not for you to turn, around and run and listen to someone else.  Always ready to love and give yourself to another, they need you more I guess.
I know, a  Present from you, would be nice, but I would prefer some simple  Bliss, even someone elses bliss...passed over again.  for someone else or something better. story of my world  it seems.
Oneday,  I hope you cry. and feel something, anything,  from my spiritual level.

we are not even speaking,  unbelievable.  is their any chance for us?  you clearly do not need my love.
I already know,  there will never be a day.  when i talk to you,  you seem to need  me,  i know better.
somethings should never be said.
 you must  confuse me with another..  the damage done to my heart, well, when it comes to you I have  no more tears....  damage,  you do not have to say i love you.  God, i wish you were not real.

time will always move forward.  and when that day comes when you need me, I do not know where I will be.   maybe I will pass you by and your heart can hurt ,like my heart hurt.  you pass by me over, and over.. always something better over there... how could  you keep passing me by, the one thing that you are suppose to love until forever?  you kept passing me by. how many times,god,  will you pass on me.  you have left me crying all alone on the porch .. so, so, many times. when all i had was you.  everyone knows it too. People watched you Pass me by.......  
I cant wait for you to cry and for you to feel some sort of pain or heart ache. i cant wait for your heart to ache, like my heart has been inflamed by your ability to pass me over with zero guilt.
 If  you never heard my  voice again..... would it matter? probably not,  there are so many others that praise you.

I miss you  ,you whisper .. I hear,lies, lies,  who are you talking too??  not me, that must have been that other girl.
I do not even know her anymore.

 I dont need anything from you and I need everything from you.  but you dont hear it..  you have made me live my life without you.

Now, so many people know me... and you have know idea..

with the days new sunrise maybe. I will think of god with love again. and once again praise you.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Open your Heart and Your Mind to Autism

another season Ends another one begins.
the little Phoenix is growing up so fast.  He is a Giant among his height, in strength.
Phoenix has been accepted into Summer School at the Autism Center.
He needs to learn to Blend in with today's modern society, and at the Autism Center they will  teach him these skills.   these skills, in which the typicals are naturally born with.
I try to smile about Phoenix going to the  Autism Center.
I know I am on my Own with this.  Phoenix's father has a difficult time accepting  Autism.
Its to Hard for him to handle,  leaving me feeling  alone with you.
its hard sometimes for me too.  I just want  Phoenix to feel normal. and feel...
the school system where we live  give  children test to enter into jk.
In Phoenix's first ever school test,  the little fellow, tested into  Junior Kindergarten.
But, because of his lacking of social skills, and lack of patience for anything,  he will start school this fall at the Autism School.  Autism  is very difficult to wrap your mind around.  I have encountered ten autistic children over the last couple years. Every one different.

Open your heart and mind to Autism,  I always tell Phoenix's father.  His father has a hard time with acceptance of Phoenix's Autism.  I understand, he is not the only father to feel some sort of loss. the love of a father to a son is one of the greatest forces on Earth.
this love of a father to a son has ran deep since Ancient times. Since ancient times,  from Pharaohs, to  kings, to an everyday father wishing for his son to takeover the family business..  A father Always wishes for a Son.especially a first born Son.the desire to have a son is  very strong.

 Our reality is, Autism,  just sneaks up on a crushing hammer.  the father already had dreams of his son, from school years, to military service,  to becoming a contributing adult to society. Beginning with the Autism Diagnosis.  All your dreams come crashing to the ground at  that very  moment of the autism diagnosis.
and the father is Left with Wonder??
he wonders if he will speak?
he wonders if I will ever hear my son  say the words... I love you
he wonders if he graduate High School?
he wonders if my son will ever get married?
he wonders if he will have a friend?
he wonders....
he wonders.....
it hurts for a while.
but then you realize the miracle,  the miracle your son is here.
 In a new Age and a new day dawning. Different but the same.  the new crystal children are here.
Most in disguise..and some are Brave. blazing a  trail.
you know,  i often get a chance to wonder myself.
I wonder why most Autistic children have difficult time understanding conversation
I wonder when will people figure out that these Autistic Childen, are here for a reason, maybe we shouldnt try to make them blend in with  Society.
I wonder why the sudden increase in  Autism  diagnosis.  1-55 Boys.
Imagine lining up 55 little boys in a row.  and One of them will be diagnosed with Autism.
These children are here for a reason.
I wonder,  are these Autistic Children  real earth world mutations?
I wonder why Phoenix loves Hugging trees..
I wonder why Phoenix loves the rain
I wonder why Phoenix loves Shapes.
I wonder , how did he get so strong
I wonder why other Autistic children love me,  one I met even calls me mama.