Wednesday, June 20, 2012


can you tell me if this life is fair?
I wish I knew.
as everyday passes I feel more and more disconnected from  my family. maybe they think of me sometimes.
I dont know why. autism maybe.
People always fear what they do not understand. but a family I do not have.  its pretty sad.
It came clear to me when asked at one of Phoenix's meetings with the school board,  Do you have any kind of support system,  or family to help you out with Phoenix? I smiled and looked at my husband, and we shook our heads no.  No one, just us.
I do not mean to be to so disconnected. 
I feel that love went away when I moved away.  Out of site out of mind.
All I have to talk to is you, and the rest of world.
I wish my family just had a minute with Phoenix in his own enviroment.  He is brillant beautiful child. and I wish they wanted to get to know him.  time just keeps speeding up, every minute going faster and faster. before we know it time is up. Phoenix is already five.  I often think, maybe they just do not want to know him. it hurts. I try to understand how people become so self absorbed with themselves. I will never understand.
nothing is ever easy.
has Autism disconnected me too?

I will move on now. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

brown liquid

I have not ever been truly scared in my entire life.  but, autism scares me.  i know i am not suppose to feel this way, but i do.  some days a strong regression shows in Phoenix.  he becomes a different child when he drinks any type of cola beverage.  Phoenix calls it brown liquid.  after he drinks a sip he slips away.  it almost a allergic reaction.  he drops to the floor and starts spinning in circles like a demon possessed child.  and he starts grinding his teeth...     its strange.  this beverage that most people have tasted once in their life,  the bubbles,  the yummy of it all.  everyone enjoys a soda every once in a while.  some people have this soda every single day. Phoenix, who i wish could be normal just a little bit, can not have even  a taste.  can you imagine no brown cola in your life? its pretty simple for most of us.  Autism is not. Phoenix is not. being  Crystal is not.
after just a sip it took Phoenix three days to recover.  no more soda in the house for sure.

Monday, June 11, 2012

another planet

Phoenix has developed a new sensory issue.  teeth grinding.  if you have ever watched any of the Predator movies,  the Predator makes these crinkle sounds.  and that's exactly what my child sounds like when he grinds his teeth.  if you did not comprehend by now,  Autism is a new discovery and new adventure, whether it be positive or negative every day.  Even though Phoenix loves routines,  every day is different.

I do not grasp the teeth grinding sensory.  I wonder what it means for him, every time he grinds his teeth and crackles.

have you heard about these new children,  the crystals, and autism?
are these autistic children mutations?  mostly boys.  born for a reason  beyond our  imaginations,
 intensive strong children, some born  with autism have zero emotions. some born with autism feel no pain,  some born with autism have no words.  some born with autism have an incredible memory.  in the years to come, the future,  we will learn more about these children. why do they have these abilities and why we do not?  maybe we should not try to cure autism. maybe we will learn more from these children.
it is June of 2012.  what will we learn next about these autistic crystal children.

when you see one of these children, you will meet autism, a miracle being though.  these children are so different than the typical children.  Phoenix barely acknowledges other children his age.  he always chooses to play alone or on a another planet.