Wednesday, November 19, 2014

my recurring dream came true.. for Phoenix

my baby angel was a wish  a dream that came true.  I prayed everyday for you my son..  my infertility was tormenting me everyday,  cursed..  i felt...
 I would dream of you, recurring dreams of a blonde haired brown eyed boy..  I thought  my dream would never come true..  all I wanted  was to sleep and dream, just to spend time with you..   but, then I was sleeping my life away..  I only felt alive in my dreams..  I still remember in my dreams of you, the swing you and I played on.  Push me mommy ...  the dreams were so real.  then I would awake and I would cry because I could not be with my son..  I loved you..
I fell pregnant after eight long years of dreaming of you.I was pregnant and the dreams stopped.  tragedy happened to me, .  I remember being at the doctors office and the ultrasound showed no heart beat.. my heart shattered and was destroyed..a Miscarriage..  the reoccurring dreams began again..  My son had returned to me in my dreams,  and everytime I woke up I wanted to die..  waking up every morning was the hardest emotionally.. 
I fell pregnant and once again I felt alive again. I felt I could live again.I was pregnant again and the dreams stopped.  I was so scared.  I was still scarred from the last miscarriage...   I needed my dream to come true..  every week of pregnancy I felt I was blessed....  I thanked God everyday  for my gift of  pregnancy,
 I was in my 16 week of pregnancy , it was a saturday afternoon ..  I went outside and all of sudden I felt a powerful force of gravity and dizziness, pulling me straight to the ground. I passed out and crashed to the ground...  I awoke minutes later and I crawled to my porch steps barely holding my head up. and crawled inside..  I could not understand what had just happened...   my next doctors appointment was monday.. and then again I was shattered with another ultra sound..  my baby was gone, no heartbeat..  GOD took my son from me that Saturday afternoon.  God stole my beautiful boy,God stole my heart,God stole my soul...  why..  I never felt a greater grief,pain..  I was broken..  I just wanted to hold you, I wanted to play with you on the swing in my dreams..
the dreams began again..recurring,  my blonde haired brown eye boy..  I found myself in the deepest of depths of depression..  I was sleeping a lot of my time away,  just to dream of you and spend time with you in the alternate dream world.....  but then,  I would have to wake up.. 
I believe I was being punished by god...  god was being so cruel to me...  taking both of my children from me..  I could not stop crying,  I was un consolable..  a million different hugs couldnt help me..
my broken heart would never heal..  I still cry for my children,,  I miss them so deeply..  I know they would have blonde hair and brown eyes..
the days lasted forever, but I did fall pregnant again..   I was terrified..  but Everyday of pregnancy was joyful.  every week felt like an eternity..  the doctor told me not to get excited until after the 16 week of pregnancy,  but even then,  I should be guarded..  I remember using a pendulum over my pregnant belly, to make sure there was still a life force in my belly,  the pendulum spun in strong fast circles this went on for hours everyday..  I was so scared for me and my unborn son..  I received specialized prenatal care during this pregnancy with ultrasounds every week.. every week I would see your tiny hands,  your tiny feet..  and your strong heart beat..  I was so nervous with every prenatal visit,  thinking the worst but hoping for the best..    during the last pregnancy odd things would happen to me..  I would hear the whispers in my mind..  I dont know what or who it was,  but I knew my baby was going to have Autism.  I heard the whispers of Autism over and over..  I responded with,  just make him beautiful..  please just make him beautiful....after all my grief and loss of my babies,  I didnt care about the Autism..  I just wanted him to be here..  here with me, on this earth.. eternity passed and you were born..  when you were born you didnt cry.  you did not cry,  not even a whimper.  i could not hear you,,  I started screaming, is he ok?  and of course with your giant black eyes, I instructed the doctors to place you in your fathers arms first..  and with no crying and your giant black eyes looking eye to eye with your father..  I finely felt like I was in a spiritual heaven,..  you were born with brown eyes and black hair..  your hair quickly changed to blonde...

No comments:

Post a Comment