Friday, September 4, 2015

Innocence is Bliss

NO one can take his innocence away,  from the heart and soul of my crystal child.
I have a Great Aunt, that prays everyday that typical children will not hurt or make fun of Phoenix.  She always says that children can be mean and cruel to someone who isn't like they are.  and she is correct..
But, Phoenix has no idea if a child is making fun of him, or if they want to play with him.
He is so pure and innocent.  He doesn't have a mean bone in his body.
everyone who comes in contact with Phoenix, just receives the most kind and honest energy.
No one, No child can take his innocence away with their cruel words..  
Typical children can be monsters to different children, especially special children.
Why does God allow these devilish actions?
Autistic children are angels brought down from heaven, maybe that's why they are faced with devils.
When an Autistic child speaks, listen..  Life can be so hard, so difficult  for them.  When they choose to speak,  listen to the pure innocence.
In a world of Autism,  In a world of Heaven,  in their world of Hell..  Life with Autism is hard..  
A typical child with their cruel words can never take the Innocence of a crystal child.
There is no need to shelter your crystal child.
No one can take their innocence.


Saturday, July 25, 2015

soil, seeds, water,sun, and time

My little crystal loves to plant flower seeds..   and water the seeds, and to watch the seeds grow into flowers.  its his most favorite thing to do...   I know that every seed he plants,  he loves to feel the soil between his fingers.  he knows it takes time for the seed to sprout..     we go outside twice a day to check on his flowers.     I can see the joy in his eyes,  with every seed, all the soil,   his watering can...   and then there is time..  time to watch the seeds grow.. 
 If I had an acre of land,  he would have a flower in every corner,  every space..
the sun has been on our side,  as he doesn't exactly know what the suns purpose is..
I love everyday with him outside.
If I could make the summer last forever I would.  I save every memory every moment  of every warm day with my crystal..  someday, when we are lucky we have a rain shower.  and Phoenix is guaranteed to find the rainbow in all things...   Most of the time looking out our giant picture window.  he sits on top of the couch looking for a rainbow,,,,,,
for every seed he watches,  every seed that grows into a flower, becomes a Treasure to him.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

There's just that Something!

There's just that something about Crystal Children.  They do not mean to,  they wish to hide, but shine through brighter than typical children.  Children love to be close to Phoenix.  we can go out shopping,  dining in restaurants, picking up the groceries.  and children migrate straight to Phoenix.  most of the time Phoenix is wearing his dark sunglasses, as he has an aversion to bright lights.  I will often hear children saying" What's Up?  Phoenix will drop is glasses down from his eyes for a moment, and make brief eye contact with the child.  and he simply bows his head to them.   I've seen him engage children like this over and over.   maybe its Phoenix's deep sense of royalty,  his ancient soul ,something within him.  I know he knows he is different..  I wish for a day or two he could be typical.  and not be so over whelmed with his entire world.
I hope he understands there's a reason why he is here.  he can not disguise his autism, his crystal.  I wish he had  freedom from his Autism.  he listens so carefully to everything,  his favorite item to listen to is his mechanical watch.When he gets sensory overload  with the world,   he often puts his watch up to his ear and listens to the sound of his mechanical watch tic, tic, tic.just like a heart beat..  it calms him
there's nothing more beautiful and serene than his calm nature.
its not my job to understand Autism and crystal children,  but it is my job to make sure Phoenix is Calm and at peace. 

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

my recurring dream came true.. for Phoenix

my baby angel was a wish  a dream that came true.  I prayed everyday for you my son..  my infertility was tormenting me everyday,  cursed..  i felt...
 I would dream of you, recurring dreams of a blonde haired brown eyed boy..  I thought  my dream would never come true..  all I wanted  was to sleep and dream, just to spend time with you..   but, then I was sleeping my life away..  I only felt alive in my dreams..  I still remember in my dreams of you, the swing you and I played on.  Push me mommy ...  the dreams were so real.  then I would awake and I would cry because I could not be with my son..  I loved you..
I fell pregnant after eight long years of dreaming of you.I was pregnant and the dreams stopped.  tragedy happened to me, .  I remember being at the doctors office and the ultrasound showed no heart beat.. my heart shattered and was destroyed..a Miscarriage..  the reoccurring dreams began again..  My son had returned to me in my dreams,  and everytime I woke up I wanted to die..  waking up every morning was the hardest emotionally.. 
I fell pregnant and once again I felt alive again. I felt I could live again.I was pregnant again and the dreams stopped.  I was so scared.  I was still scarred from the last miscarriage...   I needed my dream to come true..  every week of pregnancy I felt I was blessed....  I thanked God everyday  for my gift of  pregnancy,
 I was in my 16 week of pregnancy , it was a saturday afternoon ..  I went outside and all of sudden I felt a powerful force of gravity and dizziness, pulling me straight to the ground. I passed out and crashed to the ground...  I awoke minutes later and I crawled to my porch steps barely holding my head up. and crawled inside..  I could not understand what had just happened...   my next doctors appointment was monday.. and then again I was shattered with another ultra sound..  my baby was gone, no heartbeat..  GOD took my son from me that Saturday afternoon.  God stole my beautiful boy,God stole my heart,God stole my soul...  why..  I never felt a greater grief,pain..  I was broken..  I just wanted to hold you, I wanted to play with you on the swing in my dreams..
the dreams began again..recurring,  my blonde haired brown eye boy..  I found myself in the deepest of depths of depression..  I was sleeping a lot of my time away,  just to dream of you and spend time with you in the alternate dream world.....  but then,  I would have to wake up.. 
I believe I was being punished by god...  god was being so cruel to me...  taking both of my children from me..  I could not stop crying,  I was un consolable..  a million different hugs couldnt help me..
my broken heart would never heal..  I still cry for my children,,  I miss them so deeply..  I know they would have blonde hair and brown eyes..
the days lasted forever, but I did fall pregnant again..   I was terrified..  but Everyday of pregnancy was joyful.  every week felt like an eternity..  the doctor told me not to get excited until after the 16 week of pregnancy,  but even then,  I should be guarded..  I remember using a pendulum over my pregnant belly, to make sure there was still a life force in my belly,  the pendulum spun in strong fast circles this went on for hours everyday..  I was so scared for me and my unborn son..  I received specialized prenatal care during this pregnancy with ultrasounds every week.. every week I would see your tiny hands,  your tiny feet..  and your strong heart beat..  I was so nervous with every prenatal visit,  thinking the worst but hoping for the best..    during the last pregnancy odd things would happen to me..  I would hear the whispers in my mind..  I dont know what or who it was,  but I knew my baby was going to have Autism.  I heard the whispers of Autism over and over..  I responded with,  just make him beautiful..  please just make him beautiful....after all my grief and loss of my babies,  I didnt care about the Autism..  I just wanted him to be here..  here with me, on this earth.. eternity passed and you were born..  when you were born you didnt cry.  you did not cry,  not even a whimper.  i could not hear you,,  I started screaming, is he ok?  and of course with your giant black eyes, I instructed the doctors to place you in your fathers arms first..  and with no crying and your giant black eyes looking eye to eye with your father..  I finely felt like I was in a spiritual heaven,..  you were born with brown eyes and black hair..  your hair quickly changed to blonde...

Sunday, April 13, 2014

another Autism Melt Down

Autism,  Phoenix is a blessing,
with Phoenix's growing age,  his melt downs have becoming fewer and fewer.  but, my gosh, when he has a melt down he has to let the world know about it,  or at least everyone in Walmart on a busy Saturday afternoon. 
from the moment he walked in the store he starting melting down.  I tried to soothe Phoenix through the melt down but he needed  to melt down and burn like the Phoenix he is.. Could you imagine having so much energy?  so much sensory overload within yourself , an energy you did not understand, but then amplified because of sensories.
some parents maybe think about keeping their child home, and protect and prevent your child from having a melt down in the first place.  but, I believe if we keep trying to De-sensitize him,   Maybe, one day, Phoenix's melt downs will be behind us.
He was doing so good in public places,  it had been a couple of months since his last atomic melt down..     So, we keep trying to De-sensitize Phoenix,,,  and his melt downs are becoming fewer 
I know How hard it is to the parents and the child faced at a Melt down at any moment during an outting..  my gosh, It is a rough life just living in fear of a Melt down. I have had those awful stares from people  during a melt down..  they cant help but to stare back at us. sometimes, people look at me with pity,  sometimes people stare because they are curious.  after all,   you rarely feel your eardrums vibrate your ear like that and from a  small child. sometimes people just stop and look at me and smile....  I try not to make a lot of eye contact during a melt down in public..  I keep my eyes focused on my  child..  I can hear their thoughts when I look at the people close seems like All Eyes are on us, and they probably are..   I bet people wonder what is wrong with him.  I try everything to calm him,  but I do not give up..  In our world there is only you. 

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

the green grass between his toes..

Lately, as warmer weather approaches,  Phoenix takes his shoes off and tickles his toes in the green grass.  as the world turns and turns again,  I found our family in sunny Florida last month  at an outside memorial service.  the St Augustine grass in Florida is like beautiful soft green carpet.  I could not keep Phoenix's Shoes on.  All he wanted to do was to be in the grass.  I guess,  he needed to ground and recharge, but he did it his way.   I didnt have to do a thing.  there he is was with his shoes off laying in the grass.  he then stood up and looked at me and then he looked to the sky, and said to me "Mommy I love the grass and I love the Sky."
I said to Him "I know"

Thursday, February 6, 2014

is it to late

no one expected Autism.  what could I do?   is it to late to say I'm sorry???.      Your eyes  I get lost in,  are so big and bright..  please dont bother,,   you're already here..  I'm sorry. but I wanted you to be here so desperately.. I did whatever I could do..  how would I Have Known you were going to be born into Autism,  but I did..   your first words were so soft,but barely there..  ,
now, its me,, I'm Not here..   lost in a different world..  please try to find me..      as I found you......I still believe in miracles...  a tiny miracle is found in all your words  everyday..  

I feel like I am so lost, at times.. Autism sucks you in,,  like a black hole, caught in the universe..  there isnt to much escaping from it..  All day,  and sleepless nights. its a good thing I have insomnia myself, I guess that's why my crystal was born to me..  

a while ago, people should not even bother to find me..  but, this, Shelly StarZZ.. is still here.for you and the rest of world..
Autism, and a Crystal,,  I could cry..  when you walk into a room filled with people, most people with awareness, stop what there doing immediately,  just to take a look,  or get close to you..  the people do not understand,  they just think you are a beautiful boy,  and are drawn in with your giant black eyes..
what can I do, except but to let people share the world with you..