my recurring dream came true.. for Phoenix

my baby angel was a wish  a dream that came true.  I prayed everyday for you my son..  my infertility was tormenting me everyday,  cursed..  i felt...
 I would dream of you, recurring dreams of a blonde haired brown eyed boy..  I thought  my dream would never come true..  all I wanted  was to sleep and dream, just to spend time with you..   but, then I was sleeping my life away..  I only felt alive in my dreams..  I still remember in my dreams of you, the swing you and I played on.  Push me mommy ...  the dreams were so real.  then I would awake and I would cry because I could not be with my son..  I loved you..
I fell pregnant after eight long years of dreaming of you.I was pregnant and the dreams stopped.  tragedy happened to me, .  I remember being at the doctors office and the ultrasound showed no heart beat.. my heart shattered and was destroyed..a Miscarriage..  the reoccurring dreams began again..  My son had returned to me in my dreams,  and everytime I woke up I wanted to die..  waking up every morning was the hardest emotionally.. 
I fell pregnant and once again I felt alive again. I felt I could live again.I was pregnant again and the dreams stopped.  I was so scared.  I was still scarred from the last miscarriage...   I needed my dream to come true..  every week of pregnancy I felt I was blessed....  I thanked God everyday  for my gift of  pregnancy,
 I was in my 16 week of pregnancy , it was a saturday afternoon ..  I went outside and all of sudden I felt a powerful force of gravity and dizziness, pulling me straight to the ground. I passed out and crashed to the ground...  I awoke minutes later and I crawled to my porch steps barely holding my head up. and crawled inside..  I could not understand what had just happened...   my next doctors appointment was monday.. and then again I was shattered with another ultra sound..  my baby was gone, no heartbeat..  GOD took my son from me that Saturday afternoon.  God stole my beautiful boy,God stole my heart,God stole my soul...  why..  I never felt a greater grief,pain..  I was broken..  I just wanted to hold you, I wanted to play with you on the swing in my dreams..
the dreams began again..recurring,  my blonde haired brown eye boy..  I found myself in the deepest of depths of depression..  I was sleeping a lot of my time away,  just to dream of you and spend time with you in the alternate dream world.....  but then,  I would have to wake up.. 
I believe I was being punished by god...  god was being so cruel to me...  taking both of my children from me..  I could not stop crying,  I was un consolable..  a million different hugs couldnt help me..
my broken heart would never heal..  I still cry for my children,,  I miss them so deeply..  I know they would have blonde hair and brown eyes..
the days lasted forever, but I did fall pregnant again..   I was terrified..  but Everyday of pregnancy was joyful.  every week felt like an eternity..  the doctor told me not to get excited until after the 16 week of pregnancy,  but even then,  I should be guarded..  I remember using a pendulum over my pregnant belly, to make sure there was still a life force in my belly,  the pendulum spun in strong fast circles this went on for hours everyday..  I was so scared for me and my unborn son..  I received specialized prenatal care during this pregnancy with ultrasounds every week.. every week I would see your tiny hands,  your tiny feet..  and your strong heart beat..  I was so nervous with every prenatal visit,  thinking the worst but hoping for the best..    during the last pregnancy odd things would happen to me..  I would hear the whispers in my mind..  I dont know what or who it was,  but I knew my baby was going to have Autism.  I heard the whispers of Autism over and over..  I responded with,  just make him beautiful..  please just make him beautiful....after all my grief and loss of my babies,  I didnt care about the Autism..  I just wanted him to be here..  here with me, on this earth.. eternity passed and you were born..  when you were born you didnt cry.  you did not cry,  not even a whimper.  i could not hear you,,  I started screaming, is he ok?  and of course with your giant black eyes, I instructed the doctors to place you in your fathers arms first..  and with no crying and your giant black eyes looking eye to eye with your father..  I finely felt like I was in a spiritual heaven,..  you were born with brown eyes and black hair..  your hair quickly changed to blonde...

another Autism Melt Down

Autism,  Phoenix is a blessing,
with Phoenix's growing age,  his melt downs have becoming fewer and fewer.  but, my gosh, when he has a melt down he has to let the world know about it,  or at least everyone in Walmart on a busy Saturday afternoon. 
from the moment he walked in the store he starting melting down.  I tried to soothe Phoenix through the melt down but he needed  to melt down and burn like the Phoenix he is.. Could you imagine having so much energy?  so much sensory overload within yourself , an energy you did not understand, but then amplified because of sensories.
some parents maybe think about keeping their child home, and protect and prevent your child from having a melt down in the first place.  but, I believe if we keep trying to De-sensitize him,   Maybe, one day, Phoenix's melt downs will be behind us.
He was doing so good in public places,  it had been a couple of months since his last atomic melt down..     So, we keep trying to De-sensitize Phoenix,,,  and his melt downs are becoming fewer 
I know How hard it is to the parents and the child faced at a Melt down at any moment during an outting..  my gosh, It is a rough life just living in fear of a Melt down. I have had those awful stares from people  during a melt down..  they cant help but to stare back at us. sometimes, people look at me with pity,  sometimes people stare because they are curious.  after all,   you rarely feel your eardrums vibrate your ear like that and from a  small child. sometimes people just stop and look at me and smile....  I try not to make a lot of eye contact during a melt down in public..  I keep my eyes focused on my  child..  I can hear their thoughts when I look at the people close by..it seems like All Eyes are on us, and they probably are..   I bet people wonder what is wrong with him.  I try everything to calm him,  but I do not give up..  In our world there is only you. 

the green grass between his toes..

Lately, as warmer weather approaches,  Phoenix takes his shoes off and tickles his toes in the green grass.  as the world turns and turns again,  I found our family in sunny Florida last month  at an outside memorial service.  the St Augustine grass in Florida is like beautiful soft green carpet.  I could not keep Phoenix's Shoes on.  All he wanted to do was to be in the grass.  I guess,  he needed to ground and recharge, but he did it his way.   I didnt have to do a thing.  there he is was with his shoes off laying in the grass.  he then stood up and looked at me and then he looked to the sky, and said to me "Mommy I love the grass and I love the Sky."
I said to Him "I know"

is it to late

no one expected Autism.  what could I do?   is it to late to say I'm sorry???.      Your eyes  I get lost in,  are so big and bright..  please dont bother,,   you're already here..  I'm sorry. but I wanted you to be here so desperately.. I did whatever I could do..  how would I Have Known you were going to be born into Autism,  but I did..   your first words were so soft,but barely there..  ,
now, its me,, I'm Not here..   lost in a different world..  please try to find me..      as I found you......I still believe in miracles...  a tiny miracle is found in all your words  everyday..  

I feel like I am so lost, at times.. Autism sucks you in,,  like a black hole, caught in the universe..  there isnt to much escaping from it..  All day,  and sleepless nights. its a good thing I have insomnia myself, I guess that's why my crystal was born to me..  

a while ago, people should not even bother to find me..  but, this, Shelly StarZZ.. is still here.for you and the rest of world..
Autism, and a Crystal,,  I could cry..  when you walk into a room filled with people, most people with awareness, stop what there doing immediately,  just to take a look,  or get close to you..  the people do not understand,  they just think you are a beautiful boy,  and are drawn in with your giant black eyes..
what can I do, except but to let people share the world with you..