Disconnected

can you tell me if this life is fair?
I wish I knew.
as everyday passes I feel more and more disconnected from  my family. maybe they think of me sometimes.
I dont know why. autism maybe.
People always fear what they do not understand. but a family I do not have.  its pretty sad.
It came clear to me when asked at one of Phoenix's meetings with the school board,  Do you have any kind of support system,  or family to help you out with Phoenix? I smiled and looked at my husband, and we shook our heads no.  No one, just us.
I do not mean to be to so disconnected. 
I feel that love went away when I moved away.  Out of site out of mind.
All I have to talk to is you, and the rest of world.
I wish my family just had a minute with Phoenix in his own enviroment.  He is brillant beautiful child. and I wish they wanted to get to know him.  time just keeps speeding up, every minute going faster and faster. before we know it time is up. Phoenix is already five.  I often think, maybe they just do not want to know him. it hurts. I try to understand how people become so self absorbed with themselves. I will never understand.
nothing is ever easy.
has Autism disconnected me too?

I will move on now. 

brown liquid

I have not ever been truly scared in my entire life.  but, autism scares me.  i know i am not suppose to feel this way, but i do.  some days a strong regression shows in Phoenix.  he becomes a different child when he drinks any type of cola beverage.  Phoenix calls it brown liquid.  after he drinks a sip he slips away.  it almost a allergic reaction.  he drops to the floor and starts spinning in circles like a demon possessed child.  and he starts grinding his teeth...     its strange.  this beverage that most people have tasted once in their life,  the bubbles,  the yummy of it all.  everyone enjoys a soda every once in a while.  some people have this soda every single day. Phoenix, who i wish could be normal just a little bit, can not have even  a taste.  can you imagine no brown cola in your life? its pretty simple for most of us.  Autism is not. Phoenix is not. being  Crystal is not.
after just a sip it took Phoenix three days to recover.  no more soda in the house for sure.

another planet

Phoenix has developed a new sensory issue.  teeth grinding.  if you have ever watched any of the Predator movies,  the Predator makes these crinkle sounds.  and that's exactly what my child sounds like when he grinds his teeth.  if you did not comprehend by now,  Autism is a new discovery and new adventure, whether it be positive or negative every day.  Even though Phoenix loves routines,  every day is different.

I do not grasp the teeth grinding sensory.  I wonder what it means for him, every time he grinds his teeth and crackles.

have you heard about these new children,  the crystals, and autism?
are these autistic children mutations?  mostly boys.  born for a reason  beyond our  imaginations,
 intensive strong children, some born  with autism have zero emotions. some born with autism feel no pain,  some born with autism have no words.  some born with autism have an incredible memory.  in the years to come, the future,  we will learn more about these children. why do they have these abilities and why we do not?  maybe we should not try to cure autism. maybe we will learn more from these children.
it is June of 2012.  what will we learn next about these autistic crystal children.

when you see one of these children, you will meet autism, a miracle being though.  these children are so different than the typical children.  Phoenix barely acknowledges other children his age.  he always chooses to play alone or on a another planet.

Star's revenge

I am be confused,
I have spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and centuries,  thinking about you. wondering about you.  somedays you would appear to me.  in my thoughts, in my prayers and dreams, of you.
why was I one of the thousands of mothers to be chosen ?  I do not know.  maybe, because I love  his father, like no other.

I already know,  you hear my prayers and my cries.
I know people since Ancient times, have kneeled and prayed to you.
what if I never thought of you again. what would that be like?
If I never said your name again, would you notice?
My Sun My Moon My Earth..
I know I  can be a driving force of energy, that Ball of fire, I am from another World. that Star.....
I have given you myself, but you leave me alone.
my heart crashes some days,   it makes me so blue.  I have no one.
Worshippers have cursed the gods since  the beginning of Religion.
Curse the Gods.  Would I? of course.... 
I know the Gods need Us. without our prayers and thoughts and even without our cursing the gods, without that energy you, God .. would dissappear and become nothing. Dissapear just like I have.  too long ago and too far apart.


Autism can be cruel, Autism can be a blessing. stealing my son's ability to communicate is cruel. Autism is emotional somedays everyday.  Autism isolates us.
I have to own a special reserve of Patience for Autism..  my Patience can never run out in Phoenix's Autistic world.parents of autism understand this.  why dont you?  why dont you have any patience for  a minute of my world?
I hear you complain, when their was only a few moments spent with you.


 it can be a lonely ..  you know how lonely I must be.
always something better over there. Somedays I need Love and Not for you to turn, around and run and listen to someone else.  Always ready to love and give yourself to another, they need you more I guess.
I know, a  Present from you, would be nice, but I would prefer some simple  Bliss, even someone elses bliss...passed over again.  for someone else or something better. story of my world  it seems.
Oneday,  I hope you cry. and feel something, anything,  from my spiritual level.


we are not even speaking,  unbelievable.  is their any chance for us?  you clearly do not need my love.
I already know,  there will never be a day.  when i talk to you,  you seem to need  me,  i know better.
somethings should never be said.
 you must  confuse me with another..  the damage done to my heart, well, when it comes to you I have  no more tears....  damage,  you do not have to say i love you.  God, i wish you were not real.


time will always move forward.  and when that day comes when you need me, I do not know where I will be.   maybe I will pass you by and your heart can hurt ,like my heart hurt.  you pass by me over, and over.. always something better over there... how could  you keep passing me by, the one thing that you are suppose to love until forever?  you kept passing me by. how many times,god,  will you pass on me.  you have left me crying all alone on the porch .. so, so, many times. when all i had was you.  everyone knows it too. People watched you Pass me by.......  
I cant wait for you to cry and for you to feel some sort of pain or heart ache. i cant wait for your heart to ache, like my heart has been inflamed by your ability to pass me over with zero guilt.
 
 If  you never heard my  voice again..... would it matter? probably not,  there are so many others that praise you.

I miss you  ,you whisper .. I hear,lies, lies,  who are you talking too??  not me, that must have been that other girl.
I do not even know her anymore.

 I dont need anything from you and I need everything from you.  but you dont hear it..  you have made me live my life without you.

 
Now, so many people know me... and you have know idea..


with the days new sunrise maybe. I will think of god with love again. and once again praise you.

Open your Heart and Your Mind to Autism

another season Ends another one begins.
the little Phoenix is growing up so fast.  He is a Giant among his peers.in height, in strength.
Phoenix has been accepted into Summer School at the Autism Center.
He needs to learn to Blend in with today's modern society, and at the Autism Center they will  teach him these skills.   these skills, in which the typicals are naturally born with.
I try to smile about Phoenix going to the  Autism Center.
I know I am on my Own with this.  Phoenix's father has a difficult time accepting  Autism.
Its to Hard for him to handle,  leaving me feeling  alone with you.
its hard sometimes for me too.  I just want  Phoenix to feel normal. and feel...
the school system where we live  give  children test to enter into jk.
In Phoenix's first ever school test,  the little fellow, tested into  Junior Kindergarten.
But, because of his lacking of social skills, and lack of patience for anything,  he will start school this fall at the Autism School.  Autism  is very difficult to wrap your mind around.  I have encountered ten autistic children over the last couple years. Every one different.



Open your heart and mind to Autism,  I always tell Phoenix's father.  His father has a hard time with acceptance of Phoenix's Autism.  I understand, he is not the only father to feel some sort of loss. the love of a father to a son is one of the greatest forces on Earth.
this love of a father to a son has ran deep since Ancient times. Since ancient times,  from Pharaohs, to  kings, to an everyday father wishing for his son to takeover the family business..  A father Always wishes for a Son.especially a first born Son.the desire to have a son is  very strong.


 Our reality is, Autism,  just sneaks up on you.like a crushing hammer.  the father already had dreams of his son, from school years, to military service,  to becoming a contributing adult to society. Beginning with the Autism Diagnosis.  All your dreams come crashing to the ground at  that very  moment of the autism diagnosis.
and the father is Left with Wonder??
he wonders if he will speak?
he wonders if I will ever hear my son  say the words... I love you
he wonders if he graduate High School?
he wonders if my son will ever get married?
he wonders if he will have a friend?
he wonders....
he wonders.....
it hurts for a while.
but then you realize the miracle,  the miracle your son is here.
 In a new Age and a new day dawning. Different but the same.  the new crystal children are here.
Most in disguise..and some are Brave. blazing a  trail.
you know,  i often get a chance to wonder myself.
I wonder why most Autistic children have difficult time understanding conversation
I wonder when will people figure out that these Autistic Childen, are here for a reason, maybe we shouldnt try to make them blend in with  Society.
I wonder why the sudden increase in  Autism  diagnosis.  1-55 Boys.
Imagine lining up 55 little boys in a row.  and One of them will be diagnosed with Autism.
These children are here for a reason.
I wonder,  are these Autistic Children  real earth world mutations?
I wonder why Phoenix loves Hugging trees..
I wonder why Phoenix loves the rain
I wonder why Phoenix loves Shapes.
I wonder , how did he get so strong
I wonder why other Autistic children love me,  one I met even calls me mama.

the insomnia of my life

its was past midnight and i could not go to sleep. that insomnia thing often takes hold of me. my life long problem of drifting to sleep.
it last to long, insomnia
i wonder ...while i lay in my bed, and stare down my hallway. it seems a lot of things manifest there
i wonder, as i try to fall a sleep.
if i had not waited so long for Phoenix
Phoenix
i dont make the rules.
I have taken so many chances, but that's how life goes.
believe me, the Sun in your eyes makes life worth living. Phoenix
i dont know how but i can read your mind.
i try so hard to sleep.
the dream is to drift away.
just for a day.

dark time of the year

some days I am at a dark spot of emptiness in my self, its winter time in the mountains you know.the dark time of the year.
I am keep calling to the gods, do you hear me calling you. do you hear me calling you? you have always been there for me. I know you can hear me Now.
it will not be long now, and i will call to you No More.
My call to you will become screams. loud screams, begging you to break the curse of Autism.
it is the dark time of the year
i have lost all my thoughts and thrown them to the darkest of nights.
I do not know if Phoenix has improved. I hear his words. it seems i am the only one who understand his words.
Autism is his curse. Autism is my curse.
maybe, i wanted you so deeply madly,Phoenix. i caused your curse. my selfish love and wanting of one of my dreams to come true.
I have been told many, times, by different people in Phoenix's life. That Autistic children are gifted. I do not know what that gift maybe, for Phoenix. Phoenix's gift could be his mere existence into this world.
the warmth of Phoenix's touch. and the sweetness of his kisses.
how Phoenix came to be was not very simple. a miracle, the gift of his life. from years before conception until his birthday.
i waited so long, i will wait some more.
One day when the wind blows the right direction, I will hear three words from Phoenix. i love you.

School for Early Crystals

Phoenix has been enjoying his Early Childhood class. He has been so excited to get to school lately. he runs to his classroom every morning.
I enjoy seeing the typical children as well as the special needs children. There is a grand mix of children in this years Early Childhood class.
The Early Childhood Class should be called School for Early Crystals.
Another crystal has appeared in the class. and Phoenix Found this one. A girl. She is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. the biggest clue of this crystal child, she has giant light blue eyes.
Phoenix grabbed this little girl's hand during playtime Outside, and ran with her to the bench, so, she would sit with him. Phoenix rarely plays with the other children. This was a Huge moment for Phoenix. I do not know what they could have been talking about. but, they were holding hands sitting on the bench.
Then Phoenix, pushed her to the ground and ran away.
Why did he have to push her down, when he had done, so, well communicating with her.
I worry about Phoenix, does he have a conscious?
He is four years old,I remind myself. hey, its hard to keep positive when your child has been diagnosed with Autism.
I try, All reason aside, I have not cried over it.
because I am reminded so graciously from god.
the book of Thomas. from the lost books.
we were all children once.
even Jesus was a child at one time.

School for Early Crystals
Phoenix goes to school to learn social skills and speech. this little crystal biggest skill to learn in school is Patience.
Phoenix has zero patience and he hates waiting in Line in school for things. His Zero patience has gotten him second place in the lunch room line everyday.
Maybe that was his goal to begin with.
I think All People hate waiting, and People hate waiting in lines in amusements parks,we hate waiting in line at the Grocery store. lines line lines
This a normal thing, but Phoenix does not understand the waiting. He thinks things are suppose to happen when he wants them to. snap snap

those Shoes have Heels

very curious a crystal child is.
anything new, they wish to observe, quietly, they stare. and sometimes they make a quick move.

I went to pick my autistic crystal up from his early childhood class. everyday, his teachers give me the run down on his behavior, his triumphs, and failures of the day.
this particular day, Phoenix was still napping. and it took me a while to wake him up.
his teacher finished with the other students and came over to talk to me.
she started speaking with a giggle, "we had a volunteer helper from the high school today and she was wearing stiletto four inch heels" and Phoenix was curious so very curious.
first the volunteer went outside to the playground and those heels were sinking into the playground with every step she made Phoenix was at her feet. Phoenix was curious, why was her high heels going into the ground. the volunteer then realized maybe she should take those high heels off. then Phoenix really was thrown off. you are suppose to have on shoes when you go outside. Phoenix kept trying to put her high heel shoes back on her feet. Phoenix had never seen shoes like that before.
when the children came back inside from playing, the volunteer put back on her shoes. Phoenix was at her feet by now, closely examining the heels of her shoes.
the volunteer decided to walk away and as her heel went up Phoenix grabbed a hold of the heel of her shoe to look at the heel closer and the entire class watched as she tumbled to the floor. She went down because of Phoenix being curious.
His autism could be the reason for him being so curious about the high heel shoes.
his teacher said the volunteer learned not to wear those kind of shoes today. I cant even wear high heels with Phoenix, I bought a pair of really cute wedges, and no way can I wear those shoes out with Phoenix and those slick as glass floors.
i felt so bad as a mother. Phoenix did not intend for the volunteer to fall to the ground. luckily she was okay and laughed about it.

chomp chomp

Phoenix has been going to speech therapy once a week to his private speech therapist and twice a week with his school speech therapist. it seems some days Phoenix makes great strides with speech and language, and then their are those Other Days. Autistic parents know what those Other days are.
My Other Day consisted of Phoenix's teacher showing me the bite marks on her arm. Phoenix was drinking water out of the sink and his teacher grabbed him from behind,startled him, and Phoenix took a bite,chomp. god, dont ask me why Phoenix did it. I wanted to rip his little head off. I could not believe my eyes when i saw the mark on her arm. Phoenix's teacher was very nice and understanding. She said he is mild compared to what she handled at the Autism Center. I know his teacher is trained to handle these situations, but still.,,,,,,,,,,, it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel lost in these transitional Autism moments....
Phoenix had his four year wellness check up.complete with vaccines, oh it was madness. just madness. Phoenix had to be held down by his father and two nurses, while the doctor gave him the vaccines. his doctor referred us to a near by university, to maybe help more with his speech and language. his asian doctor said sometime Autistic children never improve. i was crushed .
I knew she was probably right. I have had opportunities to see other autistic children, some on one end of the Autism spectrum,and the rest on the other end. Phoenix is in the middle,i would guess.
His speech is improving, but at snail's speed.

the Spoken Word is a foreign language to An Autistic Crystal

I have been thinking about this story for a while now. sometimes it takes me a while to get my thought on here. I am have been doing the best i can . phoenix's father has been home on vacation. my goodness, i find it impossible to write when he is home.
Over the last couple of weeks Phoenix has been enjoying educational videos on the computer.and after the insistence of Phoenix's speech therapist, i searched for a verb video. and what i discovered was more than a verb video.
for my Phoenix, the spoken word is forced. if given the choice, Phoenix probably would not talk.
I always remind him" Use your words!"
I remember when Phoenix said his first words, he was 18 months old, and he tried to say dada.. but it did not sound like dada, it was more a deedee.
i know most people have taken a class in a foreign language, spanish, french, Italian,,
we would learn to speak their foreign accent, sound and words.
teaching Phoenix English, is what comes to mind. So, I began with a Present Continuous verb video.
you are watching tv
are you watching tv
you are not watching tv

and wow, what an incredible response i have had with Phoenix. His vocabulary is growing.
teaching Phoenix English?or the spoken word......... hmm

the Incredible Sense of Balance

The little crystal baby Phoenix is back in school. and i am back at my desk. wow, it feels great to have a clear mind. shew, Phoenix was a handful this Summer. but, i think we worked hard on his letters and numbers, which he absolutely loves, loves,loves, letters and numbers. he always has. even his speech therapist has mentioned to me his incredible love of Letters and numbers. Phoenix his now beginning to learn the sounds of the alphabets. its been very easy for him. With Phoenix's visual learning abilities, and fantastic music internet phonics videos, played over and over. Phoenix is learning fast. sadly, Phoenix's early childhood teacher told me she did not know yet if Phoenix would go to junior kindergarten or to a special education class. Phoenix's teacher explained to me that J/K is academically driven. i think to myself "WTH" Phoenix will not stay still in a chair for longer than 10 minutes, so,, yep. I am sorry my four year son cant stay STILL! Right?
But, Phoenix, can write his name and his letters. oh, why, does Autism have do be so Complex and emotional?...

I would like to share with you today something I have been noticing more and more with Phoenix. It is HIGHLY noted that Crystal Children have an incredible Sense of Balance.
I have noted on this Blog somewhere, i am sure, when Phoenix was about two years old, he began to climb on top of our dining room table, and walk to the edge of the table and balance off the table,tipping his toes forward. it was incredible to witness, my sons girlfriend even noted it.
it was completely normal for Phoenix to do this. balance off the ends of furniture. I thought this is what was meant by, Crystal Children have an incredible Sense of Balance........
to my surprise, this summer. Phoenix began doing another type of Balance.
Phoenix can Flip and Cart wheel, and Now, he stands on his head on furniture and balances on his head, with his feet and knees and he moves back and forth like a clock pendulum.
Its incredible, its like he is in perfect motion and Balance with all that IS......
that incredible sense of Balance is, not What I thought it was. It's Not What I thought AT ALL.
Its not only Phoenix's ability to to Balance off a table, or balance a tight rope, or balance across a Balance Beam in gymnastics.
Its the Balance of All things.
Phoenix is Mastering Balance more and More everyday. Balance. and not by me. I dont know where he comes up with what he does. How did he Know to stand on his Head and Swing his body in perfect Motion and Balance. You would now believe how happy and content Phoenix is when he is balancing upside down, on his head with his legs and feet perfectly placed to balance back and forth for minutes upon minutes.
Crystal Children are incredible. Balance is so important. I have never seen a child, my child, who needs both of his parents every single day. again, balance....balance everything that is Balance.

Summer is about to end

Phoenix has consumed me this summer. day in and day out. Phoenix, Phoenix ,Phoenix. My son. I dont think you realize how much energy it takes to be a Mother to one of these Crystal children. I knew before he was born, he was going to be a handful. I feel like i am loosing my mind.
I think i will be able to Remove this Summer writers block. the last day of school seems like a life time ago. I feel like i have been gone from Autism and the Crystal Baby for So Long.
I have been struggling with writing lately. I know where i am needed. and its here.
Autism , the Gift of Autism, the Curse of Autism. Or Simply Phoenix Does Not Like to talk verbally. AT ALL. Phoenix would be happy if he didnt have to say another word.
next week, school begins, Phoenix will return to School, with new classmates. and Typicals, Typicals. I just want to hide sometimes. My Phoenix is not like your typical Four year old. and I feel Like the entire world Knows and Sees it. I can Not second guess myself. I have a lot to write. and then there are Parents who need to find me and read.
Phoenix is four years old. He can write his name. and can write and draw, letters and numbers and can read a few simple words. its Unbelievable what Phoenix is capable of. his mind has been like a sponge over the last four years.
I will try not to stay away for so Long...........................

That Transition thing..........

the summer blues are setting in. its hot in the mountains with not much to do.
Phoenix is growing and learning faster and faster. he can write his name. he calls it drawing his name. he can also draw his letters and numbers. its strange ,i can tell he imagines how to draw his letters in his head, as Phoenix thinks and puts thought to paper.
every weekend our neighbor has her grandchildren over. there's about four Typicals.
They always Invite Phoenix over to Play. Phoenix just runs away, and could care less about those children. I just try to smile as they ask Phoenix to come over.
its hard to handle but, I overheard the Children talking about Phoenix. One of the children said to the Other. " Phoenix DONT LEARN RIGHT!"
its crushing.. its things i dont understand. my son can do things typical children can not.
Maybe he does learn right but differently, and his memory is that of an elephant. he never forgets anything, except, he does forget how to use his words. and that would be the only thing, most of the time i believe he chooses not to use his words on purpose.

I know i am not the only parent of an autistic child that has felt this way. Yes, its clearly obvious my son is different than yours. he is nothing like your typical four year old.
as of late, transitioning from one task to the other as been dreadful. me and Phoenix's dad took him on a vacation to a waterpark. and Phoenix Loved it. he didnt understand when we left one pool, that there would be quickly another pool to visit. Phoenix would have a FULL on MeltDOWN when he left each Pool. He could not wrap his head around the transitioning from Ride to Ride ,Pool to Pool. I am sure people thought Phoenix was the biggest brat in the entire world. and at that moment i did do. my entire Body ached from head to toe, trying to pick him up or drag him around. I am sure Parents of autism understand when the kid becomes a limp noodle, and will not walk. I dont know how other parents handle this situation. all i know, is to bend down and pick Phoenix up kicking and screaming. and I calmly tell him we are going to another pool. oh, We all had the best time, but when Phoenix arrived at the next pool, he was happy again.
i do feel like I am on my own alot. its pretty lonely , most people have never been in the presence of autism. and they just do not understand. my family does not understand autism, simply because they are not around Phoenix enough to get to know him.
Transition is hard. Some parents use pictures for transition, but thats just to much for everyday situations. Phoenix's speech therapist recommended a timer with a beeper, to signal when its time to transition to something else. it works during speech therapy, we shall see

Simply Jedi..

I dont know about this. i still dont know how or why.
Phoenix and I were going shopping. he was in the cart being quiet for once.
we were shopping row by row. Down the juice isle we go. i needed some mix in energy drinks so, i am browsing for my favorite flavors, and i am rather close to the to boxes of mix ins.
the isle beside us had marshmallows, which are Phoenix's favorite. I think because marshmallows are mushy and Phoenix's sensory fingers love rolling the them between his fingers.
anyway, I grab my energy mix ins and look back at my child, and he has a bag of marshmallows in his hands. i could not believe it. but quickly as i begin to wonder how in the world Phoenix managed to get the marshmallows in his hands, a lady and her cart came behind me and i had to get out of her way. and the marshmallows left my mind as i needed to get out of walmart's crazy first of the month shopping day.
i began to wonder more and more about how phoenix got the marshmallows in his hands. i went back to walmart to see how the marshmallows were arranged in the isle. and low and behold the marshmallows were on the bottom 2 shelves. phoenix was in the cart, it was impossible for him to reach them.
I dont know how it happened. i will never know how he got the marshmallows in his hands. scenario after scenario has played in mind. but none make sense.
Phoenix, simply Jedi...........

the Crystal Seeker

Phoenix is off to camp this week. and he has been having a blast. everyday there is painting and swimming for ages 3-18. All these children at camp have certain disabilities. everything from autism to down syndrome. what i have realized through all my four years of parenting My crystal Baby is that I have been Placed in My Life to seek Crystals. WOW, i must say. I just had another Crystal Child appear to me.
yesterday, i was dropping off Phoenix at camp. along with other parents. and One of the Parents Just asked me, So, What's his Diagnoses? I just turn Around and look at the Parent, "Autism Spectrum Disorder" the Parent was Like Really. then the Parent looks at the lady beside me and Says " i think Your Daughter has Autism."
I think to Myself ... WHOA! Daughter + Autism = a Girl Child with Autism.. hmmm,
I asked the Mother of the Girl.. "can She Talk?" the mother said "Yes"
i looked at her and Said " that's Asperger's Syndrome!"

as the children were waiting in the Van this morning
something told me to start asking Questions about this little girl.
I could not help myself, I was being sucked in by this little girl.
How old is she? how many siblings?
then her mother started telling me everything i needed to know...
she even mentioned she needs to go outside and take long walks..

the girl is twelve is years old meaning She would have to be the Very First of the Crystals to arrive . the year would be 1999 Usually you would think at this Age you would have an Indigo/Crystal combo on your hands. Her energy Lacked the Cutting Energy of an Indigo. I have two Older Indigo Sons and I am very familiar with that Cutting Strike you Down Energy.

this Crystal Girl, Has Huge Black EYES. her eyes look like mirrors. when she looks into your eyes she steals your heart and grabs onto your Soul. She Placed her hand on the Van Window and said to her Mother " Mommy Mommy I love you!" it brought tears to my eyes.

I feel like i just found My favorite baseball player in a pack of baseball cards. its a spiritual RUSH,
to find Crystal child.. But,,, A GIRL!!!!

Which Brings me to wonder today. Its pretty rare to Find an Autistic girl even with Aspergers Syndrome. at least for cities i have moved too. and i will move again.... and again
i think that there is High Possibilities of these Girl Children Diagnosed with Autism being actual Crystal Children.

a Free Lunch

i received a notice in Phoenix's Book Bag. it Said "FREE Breakfast Free Lunch" i was thinking What in the Hell? i couldnt believe it!! the school Cafeteria is staying Open All Summer So the Children can Eat. the children do have to find transportation to get to the Cafeteria to Eat.
Summer after Summer, i have struggled to find Phoenix something to do, and find Typical Children for him to be around. Day after day i went to the Park, and there would not be anyone there.
here's a chance for Phoenix to be around Typical children in a Social Situation. Lunch time.
I would feel so strange showing Up for the Free Lunch! but i wouldnt be showing Up for a Free Lunch. I would be showing UP with Phoenix to be around Typicals. God, i would feel Shameful, As i have a refrigerator Full of Food, and a drawer full of Ramen noodles. Phoenix's favorite. I only give him half the seasoning packet, its full of yucky sodium.
its one Hell of a thought.
I dont know if i have it in me to show UP with my son..
A free Social Situation.

Cold Spots in my House

my house has been driving me crazy lately. maybe just too much time in the home.
there have been more and more Occurrences of Cold Spots in this house. as usual, i dismiss them everyday, but this morning, the Cold Spots Sent me into Chills and my hair stood up. I thought to myself "what the Hell" this is becoming a problem ,this house must be a ghost's playground.
you probably think of this as outside the normal. But, Every One, Including yourself, have experienced something ParaNormal. From normal people claiming to have seen a UFO, to ghost encounters. something strange has happened in your Life. think about it, maybe, you Dismissed IT just like I have, Over and Over.
god, help me at the things I have seen over my life time. unbelievable things have happened, right before my eyes and I loved it. When i was a Young Witch i used to believe I could do Anything With Great Confidence.
I used to believe I Could Rule the World.. Spiritually I walked with Gods. When you Do that and get to that level spiritually, you just continue to walk. some people feel that Divinity with Good Ole Jesus. most people are familiar with Jesus. i bet Jesus is Thanked over one million times a DAY!
THANK YA JESUS!
i wish jesus would come get these ghost out of my house. they are beginning to bother me.
back in the day, i could call a team to get them out. but i am so far away from that life NOW.
I am On MY OWN, everyday. and i am okay with that.
i need to focus on Why the Ghosts continue to want their presence known.
from Cold Spots, to faucets turning On, door knobs turning, its happening here.

that TWIN Flame thing..........

today is the last day of school for the little Phoenix. i cant believe another school year has Come and Gone. that's mere madness, how time just speeds up Faster and Faster as we Grow Older. when i was young time would drag and drag.... but know more. i dont know why, but i am a nervous wreck the last day of school. my sweet second son will be a senior in a matter of hours. maybe that's why i feel so, weird. I could start an entire other Blog on him entitled "the Indigo Teenager!" shew, that kid aint even playing around with his life. he is full throttle in his high school, and i dont push him at all. he is simply Self Driven in a Powerful way. i pray that will carry on into his work ethic.
Phoenix hasnt had much time with his daddy lately. his daddy works and works. and when his daddy his home and has to leave for work Phoenix's heart his crushed and he cries forever... as i have mentioned before Phoenix's lungs are Atomic. shew, my ears ring often...
one day this Past week my husband called me to meet him for dinner because he was working late. when we were leaving and Phoenix did not get to ride in Daddy's truck, he was crushed, and he cried and cried all the way home. i had to open a bottle of bubbles for him and he was okay again.
what i am noticing more and more, is his need of both Parents. maybe, it is the balance. but, i have never seen a child need both of their Parents like he does. my first son, was a daddy's boy, my second son, a mama's boy. and this Son. he needs both of Us. would you think that to be Autism, or his Crystal nature?
Sometimes, in your life you have those, oh, Memories?......
my memory took me back to a Beltaine years ago. Beltaine was my Holiday! anyway,I had just crowned a New May Queen.... So, energy was a GO GO.... into the night me and my husband were
standing next to each other, and this Powerful Third Degree witch came up to us along side my mother. and this witch said ... " OMG YOU are TWIN FLAMES! " i can remember the look in his eyes. yes, the witch was guy. i have met a handful of guy witches. and they were all some of the most Powerful witches i have ever encountered.
I had always knew there something different about me and my husband's relationship. it was a whirlwind courtship. we married after knowing each other for two months. its worked out.
maybe, just maybe Phoenix loves to be wrapped up into that flame. he loves to sit between us and put our faces together to kiss. its so cute.
i have read about Crystal Children being born to loving parents. In Phoenix's Case he is Born out of a flame.....
Twin Flames, soul Mates , Twin Souls, do exist.............

that Rare Unicorn

the coming of the New Age is Here. i think to myself.. (which i do a lot because i am stuck deep in the mountains)
I went on a field trip with Phoenix's Early Child hood class Last week. the class is filled with seven typicals and eight with developmental delays. Out of fifteen children, I found two crystal children this year. Phoenix and the other Child, both diagnosed with Autism. I have read that Autism Spectrum disorder is so broad. Each child,completely different from sitting in the corner rocking and spinning, with zero words to complete genius that needs to learn to talk.
while on the Field Trip i finally got to observe the two crystal children together. and let me tell you, these two Autistic Crystal children were talking to each other, but in their own gibberish language. the very same language gibberish Phoenix uses at home, but then i remind him to "use his words" it was an amazing experience. i asked his teacher if this was a common occurrence between the two, and she said usually when the two are Outside on the playground. hmmm?? Now, i want to tell you about the similarities of these two Autistic Crystal Children..
from talking to Phoenix's teacher about the two children. Both of these children have incredible memory. Both knew their letters and numbers by age two. Both Know their shapes. and Both are beginning to sound out the letters. and are clearly on the Path to reading. and finally both are four years old and will be five in the year 2012. of course in many ways they are different.
Phoenix's Sensory issues are off the Chart. he constantly needs to ground himself. he grounds himself by taking his socks and shoes off and Phoenix's beloved Fluffy..... but, as far as their Educational Mind and their ability to learn are at the same incredible rate.
i want you to think about how a parent should feel, think about your child at two years old that barely spoke a word. but in one moment in a toy store, you child jumps from his stroller to get to a bucket that held wooden letters. he would pick different letters up at random and used his voice to share the alphabet with you. wouldnt you be very Confused?
I had a hard time figuring out in Speech therapy separating Phoenix's knowledge and Phoenix's ability to communicate or Talk. I just could not wrap my mind around it. it made zero sense to me.
at times i search the internet searching for Crystal Children stories. i have found a couple of forums and groups here and there. but, as soon as i read that the Alleged young Crystal Child Can Talk and can talk in full sentences , i quickly click to another story. and then to another and another. There is no suffering there. that child can talk. Autism did not become your child's LABEL and you believe you have a Crystal Child. that child would be rare to encounter, like a Unicorn. but i read Far more stories about talking Crystals. I want to read about Autistic Crystals. Now, these children are interesting. these Crystal Children can command in the Spiritual World. not even on purpose, not even with words, just their mere presence.
there is also Autistic children that are NOT Crystals. those exists too.
with ALL Due Respect to my Readers, If you believe you have a Crystal Child that can talk. you have that Rare unicorn.
with phoenix it is like he has trouble forming his words. he tries and it comes out close, he really has to work Hard at saying the word Lemonade. he tries and tries.
i bet Phoenix thinks to himself, I don't speak your Language..............

I write to enlight

the ghosts have BEEN dancing around the house again. i saw a large shadow pass by in the living room. i thought it could have been my oldest Son. I went to investigate, down the hall i went, I opened my son's door to ask. hi,. and of course he had been sitting in the room the entire time. i do not know what is going on in this house? I imagine, I should just Ask Them "what is happening here?" I am tired of the ghost playing around. it is very curious, but then it gets to the point where it becomes aggravating. to be honest i do not want to be messing between the veils of the world right now. It just opens my spirit to things i just do not wish to face right Now. Not with all the love and light I have to send to each individual son and then my husband. oh my..
Somedays, i think to myself Why do i keep writing this Silly Blog. I write about strange things that most People would think would be absolutely unbelievable. I write because I feel there is a Parent that could feel alone and isolated raising their Crystal child. and know You are not...
i become A Different person when i begin writing this blog. my spiritual side comes shining through... its a wonder the ghosts are dancing in my house. their attracted to such Light.
...........................................................................................
it has taken me days and days to write this story. my mind is here and there and everywhere.
dont ask where i have been???

days have gone have by, and One night Again They have appeared Again. In a line Again. One after another and another. In a line going into Phoenix's room.
its is an experience. i need to wait late into the evening to take my medicine because i quickly go to sleep. i will then take a more in depth look into the phenomenon.

I have read about the Characteristics of Children hundreds of times. these crystal children are all portrayed with Fluffy Bunny Energy. I tell you from my experience, that is not Always the Case. Phoenix can Grow Horns in an Ultimate Moment and still Control the Situation. I believe since cutting down On Phoenix's sugar intake , it has made him a different child, with more and more words. and better results at Speech therapy. in the mean time, he grows more dominant with words.
One more week of school to go, and i cut down more on his sugar. it is so hard to cut sugar out at school......
i will leave you for now...............
Shelly StarZZ

Becoming Magenta.....

I have begun to notice huge changes in Phoenix. Phoenix was becoming different, different on a vibration level. the little crystal boy, in Phoenix's class has a happy bunny like energy. that crystal child is On the golden ray. 100%. Phoenix was born unto this Golden Ray but has evolved to the Magenta Ray. i could not understand what was happening to him. Phoenix has become more and more dominant. His personality is strong willed. So, Strong willed that he has total Control of his assistant teacher. i mentioned to her to take control of the situation. Or Phoenix will Melt Down unto oblivion.. Then comes back Bigger and stronger. Phoenix.....
my Phoenix on the other Hand has become an Artist on many levels. he can draw and draws i posted just a few of his pictures. but he draws and colors and paints. he loves it. Phoenix has strong interest in music, from trying to play his guitar, to him drumming late into the evening on his bongos and Congos. Phoenix is either drawing or creating music with drums, keyboard or rattles. and if he is bored with that he is learning the sounds of letters in the alphabet.
one thing, Phoenix has become Ultra sensitive. We have had to eliminate all sugar from his Diet, as it has caused Great Changes him and his behavior. so, we have cut all cookies and cakes and junk. its okay, his favorite snack is raisins.
Phoenix has been battling another Ear Infection. The more i read and study crystal children, the more i read about Crystal Children having numerous Ear Infections. I have read that something becomes off balance with the child or family and an Ear Infection is soon to follow with a Crystal Child.
Phoenix has had extreme bouts with Ear infections. His fever this Past weekend was 103.5. me and his DAD rushed him to the Hospital. his doctor's office was closed. Phoenix was held down and given two shots. you see, phoenix REFUSES ALL medicine. we cant put the medicine in juice, we cant hold him down and give him medicine, he clamps his mouth shut. He refuses it, it is the Craziest thing. instead he gets a shot..

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

my husband has been away alot recently. leaving me and Phoenix home alone and bored. my husband decided to take the afternoon off yesterday, to spend with Phoenix. he is going away again for a couple of days. so, we both went to go get Phoenix out of class early. and when i walked in to get Our son, uh my heart dropped when i walked in the classroom. the entire class was working on a smart board activity. and Phoenix was sitting in the rocking chair all by himself. his assistant was jib jabbing with a substitute. i thought i was going ripp some one's head off. but, i didnt. i did say, i Dont Ever Want to Come BAck In here, and Phoenix is sitting by himself. RAGE. and then sadness comes over me. Once Again, among Phoenix's peers he sticks out, singled out or is isolated.
what i can not understand.. is the difference between the child i wake up in the morning and the child that I leave in the classroom. its like having two different children. Phoenix talks at home, he talks in three word phrases. but, at school he is quiet about himself. or if he is mad about something at school he becomes defiant... he will slam the bathroom door and he will turn the lights on and off. Even with A stern NO his teacher can not make him stop. the teachers probably go through alot with Phoenix,and their patience wears thin with him.. its that darkness about Phoenix. at least he is ONE with both the dark Energy and the Light Energy. but he is Not One with your every day Life energy. that takes SO much work. its incredible.. maybe we will attain balance for him.
school can be overwhelming for him, I imagine, all those kids, everyday. even going to kindergarten was stressful for me .......... school could be stressful for Phoenix.
he knows and does so many things at home.
dr jekyll at home Mr Hyde at school. i hope the potion wears off soon.

Rapture May 21 2011

I have been reading about the christian group spreading their Gospel around about tomorrow. may 21st.......... gosh, the group went so far as to purchase 2000 billboard signs. you have to wonder..
i would like to write to you about my house. i live in a fairly modern home, and only one other family has ever lived here. Over the years, several of our children have reported extreme paranormal events that have occurred in the house. from, seeing a little girl, to hearing voices, water faucets have turned themselves on, and XBOX has powered itself. my oldest son reported the front door unlocking for him.... now, i have had so much happen to me spiritually. i really cant even meditate anymore, as i can get so deep spiritually that i really dont want to exist but exist in Everything.
i have taken into account what the children have told me, and left it there, almost dismissing them. i get so wrapped up into Phoenix, i just didnt think about it. Until the other night.
i had my first experience in my house. i believe this experience of all my spiritual encounters is UP near The top...... here it is
i was ready for bed and i had laid down for my nights rest. I have extreme insomnia and take diesels to sleep. and it was almost time for my sleeping pill to kick in, and i looked down my hall.
and i saw something unbelievable. i saw energy outlines of different colors, one after the other were moving in waves down my hall. i thought to myself.. "dear God?!" again my sleeping pill is kicking in, but, i was beginning to feel a little fear about what I was seeing. but i had to get one more look at this. i opened my eyes and there they were, one after the other, in a line moving foward. to give you, the reader.. an idea of what this looked like, think back to the 1982 movie Poltergeist. in this movie there is a scene in the film that shows the ghosts coming down the stair case. think of seeing that image but without the skeletons and faces, just the actual ghost. I could not hold my eyes open anymore, i drifted to sleep. i woke the next day and remembered the experience later that morning. when my eldest son came home, i told him about it. the first question he asked "Where were they going?" and i pointed "That WAY" well, "that way" turned out to be in Phoenix's bedroom. my son said "there is something about THAT KID! "
maybe there is something about that Phoenix. i dont know.......
maybe They were here to see PHOENIX.. maybe they are still here? and we live together... who knows?
may 21 2011 is almost here, and if the Christian group is correct, there will be a lot of people who suddenly disappear. i dont think we have to much to worry about yet at least not saturday. 2012 is approaching, we wonder again dont we??
IS the paranormal activity starting to pick UP? it seems it has here....... if that's an indicator, oh MY!
it is sad that People do not see what is happenning. the Christed children Are Here. and they are coming more and more rapidly as Autism Spreads. Autism... the crystal children in disguise..

Kryptonite Cupcakes...

It seems Phoenix's early childhood class has been in Birthday mode. And with birthday's come the cupcakes. Cupcakes and more Cupcakes. I have mentioned to Phoenix's teacher about his extreme sugar sensitivity. that does not make the Cupcakes go away, birthday's come and birthday's go.... I wonder....... if his sugar sensitivity was an allergy and treated like a Peanut allergy, there would be No More of those awful Kryptonite cupcakes. NONE! i understand the difference between allergy and sensitivity. you could ultimately die from a Peanut allergy.
i can tell you this
i can sit back on the couch and watch Phoenix become a different child after he eats a cupcake.
different kinds of cupcakes effects phoenix differently. just like the different colors of Kryptonite, Green, Red, Blue, Gold, black........effect Superman. thus i bring you the Kryptonite Cupcake.
the most gentle of Cupcakes would be white cake and vanilla frosting, after a couple of glasses of water and a few hours Phoenix's patience and words come around.
and the worst of the Kryptonite Cupcakes is by FAR, the Chocolate Cupcake with Chocolate frosting... Just one of those Cupcakes takes Phoenix somewhere far, far, away.......... its sad, because Phoenix doesnt understand any of this..... he just says on the way to school " cupcakes,, OH BOY.. birthday birthday!"
if you were a mother, and you witness your child just suddenly disappear and just become a whole different child.. and cupcakes are to Blame. what would you do? tell his teacher, no, NO cupcakes for Phoenix, and the rest of the children get cupcakes....... that would make him seem even more different. maybe as his tiny body grows, he will be able to tolerate more sugar... until then..........