There's just that Something!

There's just that something about Crystal Children.  They do not mean to,  they wish to hide, but shine through brighter than typical children.  Children love to be close to Phoenix.  we can go out shopping,  dining in restaurants, picking up the groceries.  and children migrate straight to Phoenix.  most of the time Phoenix is wearing his dark sunglasses, as he has an aversion to bright lights.  I will often hear children saying" What's Up?  Phoenix will drop is glasses down from his eyes for a moment, and make brief eye contact with the child.  and he simply bows his head to them.   I've seen him engage children like this over and over.   maybe its Phoenix's deep sense of royalty,  his ancient soul ,something within him.  I know he knows he is different..  I wish for a day or two he could be typical.  and not be so over whelmed with his entire world.
I hope he understands there's a reason why he is here.  he can not disguise his autism, his crystal.  I wish he had  freedom from his Autism.  he listens so carefully to everything,  his favorite item to listen to is his mechanical watch.When he gets sensory overload  with the world,   he often puts his watch up to his ear and listens to the sound of his mechanical watch tic, tic, tic.just like a heart beat..  it calms him
there's nothing more beautiful and serene than his calm nature.
its not my job to understand Autism and crystal children,  but it is my job to make sure Phoenix is Calm and at peace. 

my recurring dream came true.. for Phoenix

my baby angel was a wish  a dream that came true.  I prayed everyday for you my son..  my infertility was tormenting me everyday,  cursed..  i felt...
 I would dream of you, recurring dreams of a blonde haired brown eyed boy..  I thought  my dream would never come true..  all I wanted  was to sleep and dream, just to spend time with you..   but, then I was sleeping my life away..  I only felt alive in my dreams..  I still remember in my dreams of you, the swing you and I played on.  Push me mommy ...  the dreams were so real.  then I would awake and I would cry because I could not be with my son..  I loved you..
I fell pregnant after eight long years of dreaming of you.I was pregnant and the dreams stopped.  tragedy happened to me, .  I remember being at the doctors office and the ultrasound showed no heart beat.. my heart shattered and was destroyed..a Miscarriage..  the reoccurring dreams began again..  My son had returned to me in my dreams,  and everytime I woke up I wanted to die..  waking up every morning was the hardest emotionally.. 
I fell pregnant and once again I felt alive again. I felt I could live again.I was pregnant again and the dreams stopped.  I was so scared.  I was still scarred from the last miscarriage...   I needed my dream to come true..  every week of pregnancy I felt I was blessed....  I thanked God everyday  for my gift of  pregnancy,
 I was in my 16 week of pregnancy , it was a saturday afternoon ..  I went outside and all of sudden I felt a powerful force of gravity and dizziness, pulling me straight to the ground. I passed out and crashed to the ground...  I awoke minutes later and I crawled to my porch steps barely holding my head up. and crawled inside..  I could not understand what had just happened...   my next doctors appointment was monday.. and then again I was shattered with another ultra sound..  my baby was gone, no heartbeat..  GOD took my son from me that Saturday afternoon.  God stole my beautiful boy,God stole my heart,God stole my soul...  why..  I never felt a greater grief,pain..  I was broken..  I just wanted to hold you, I wanted to play with you on the swing in my dreams..
the dreams began again..recurring,  my blonde haired brown eye boy..  I found myself in the deepest of depths of depression..  I was sleeping a lot of my time away,  just to dream of you and spend time with you in the alternate dream world.....  but then,  I would have to wake up.. 
I believe I was being punished by god...  god was being so cruel to me...  taking both of my children from me..  I could not stop crying,  I was un consolable..  a million different hugs couldnt help me..
my broken heart would never heal..  I still cry for my children,,  I miss them so deeply..  I know they would have blonde hair and brown eyes..
the days lasted forever, but I did fall pregnant again..   I was terrified..  but Everyday of pregnancy was joyful.  every week felt like an eternity..  the doctor told me not to get excited until after the 16 week of pregnancy,  but even then,  I should be guarded..  I remember using a pendulum over my pregnant belly, to make sure there was still a life force in my belly,  the pendulum spun in strong fast circles this went on for hours everyday..  I was so scared for me and my unborn son..  I received specialized prenatal care during this pregnancy with ultrasounds every week.. every week I would see your tiny hands,  your tiny feet..  and your strong heart beat..  I was so nervous with every prenatal visit,  thinking the worst but hoping for the best..    during the last pregnancy odd things would happen to me..  I would hear the whispers in my mind..  I dont know what or who it was,  but I knew my baby was going to have Autism.  I heard the whispers of Autism over and over..  I responded with,  just make him beautiful..  please just make him beautiful....after all my grief and loss of my babies,  I didnt care about the Autism..  I just wanted him to be here..  here with me, on this earth.. eternity passed and you were born..  when you were born you didnt cry.  you did not cry,  not even a whimper.  i could not hear you,,  I started screaming, is he ok?  and of course with your giant black eyes, I instructed the doctors to place you in your fathers arms first..  and with no crying and your giant black eyes looking eye to eye with your father..  I finely felt like I was in a spiritual heaven,..  you were born with brown eyes and black hair..  your hair quickly changed to blonde...

another Autism Melt Down

Autism,  Phoenix is a blessing,
with Phoenix's growing age,  his melt downs have becoming fewer and fewer.  but, my gosh, when he has a melt down he has to let the world know about it,  or at least everyone in Walmart on a busy Saturday afternoon. 
from the moment he walked in the store he starting melting down.  I tried to soothe Phoenix through the melt down but he needed  to melt down and burn like the Phoenix he is.. Could you imagine having so much energy?  so much sensory overload within yourself , an energy you did not understand, but then amplified because of sensories.
some parents maybe think about keeping their child home, and protect and prevent your child from having a melt down in the first place.  but, I believe if we keep trying to De-sensitize him,   Maybe, one day, Phoenix's melt downs will be behind us.
He was doing so good in public places,  it had been a couple of months since his last atomic melt down..     So, we keep trying to De-sensitize Phoenix,,,  and his melt downs are becoming fewer 
I know How hard it is to the parents and the child faced at a Melt down at any moment during an outting..  my gosh, It is a rough life just living in fear of a Melt down. I have had those awful stares from people  during a melt down..  they cant help but to stare back at us. sometimes, people look at me with pity,  sometimes people stare because they are curious.  after all,   you rarely feel your eardrums vibrate your ear like that and from a  small child. sometimes people just stop and look at me and smile....  I try not to make a lot of eye contact during a melt down in public..  I keep my eyes focused on my  child..  I can hear their thoughts when I look at the people close by..it seems like All Eyes are on us, and they probably are..   I bet people wonder what is wrong with him.  I try everything to calm him,  but I do not give up..  In our world there is only you. 

the green grass between his toes..

Lately, as warmer weather approaches,  Phoenix takes his shoes off and tickles his toes in the green grass.  as the world turns and turns again,  I found our family in sunny Florida last month  at an outside memorial service.  the St Augustine grass in Florida is like beautiful soft green carpet.  I could not keep Phoenix's Shoes on.  All he wanted to do was to be in the grass.  I guess,  he needed to ground and recharge, but he did it his way.   I didnt have to do a thing.  there he is was with his shoes off laying in the grass.  he then stood up and looked at me and then he looked to the sky, and said to me "Mommy I love the grass and I love the Sky."
I said to Him "I know"

is it to late

no one expected Autism.  what could I do?   is it to late to say I'm sorry???.      Your eyes  I get lost in,  are so big and bright..  please dont bother,,   you're already here..  I'm sorry. but I wanted you to be here so desperately.. I did whatever I could do..  how would I Have Known you were going to be born into Autism,  but I did..   your first words were so soft,but barely there..  ,
now, its me,, I'm Not here..   lost in a different world..  please try to find me..      as I found you......I still believe in miracles...  a tiny miracle is found in all your words  everyday..  

I feel like I am so lost, at times.. Autism sucks you in,,  like a black hole, caught in the universe..  there isnt to much escaping from it..  All day,  and sleepless nights. its a good thing I have insomnia myself, I guess that's why my crystal was born to me..  

a while ago, people should not even bother to find me..  but, this, Shelly StarZZ.. is still here.for you and the rest of world..
Autism, and a Crystal,,  I could cry..  when you walk into a room filled with people, most people with awareness, stop what there doing immediately,  just to take a look,  or get close to you..  the people do not understand,  they just think you are a beautiful boy,  and are drawn in with your giant black eyes..
what can I do, except but to let people share the world with you..

Moving days and Tactile sensory

Our family has just completed our relocation  with my husband's work.  I was so depressed and full of anxiety leading up to the move.  I was so worried about Phoenix moving houses and changing schools.  Phoenix was going to an Autism school before the move. I thought he was doing okay. but, then all of a sudden his tactile sensory has been off the charts.  Phoenix has been driving me crazy with this tactile sensory overload.  My hair is in a bun on my head because Phoenix cant keep his hands off my hair.  I've tried other sensory toys to try to help him with this sensory.  but nothing seems to work right now.  except my hair and anybodies hair he can get his hands on.  it has been tough.  his teachers at his new school have to wear their hair up too.  geez,,
Phoenix has always had strong tactile sensory overload.  When he was a baby, he would pull his hair out and roll his hair between his fingers. Then Phoenix discovered fluffy from a couch I used to have.  He would tear a hole in the couch to get the fluffy out. then his hair finally grew out.
I just hope  his sensories calm down because it has been tough especially since Phoenix experienced a sensory overload to a Christmas family get together.

the Self Made Vegetarian

I dont know how many parents go through this with their Crystal children?  But my Autistic crystalline child refuses to eat meat.  every evening we go through the same ritual. I fix Phoenix's plate with a tiny bit of meat on his plate. and every single night I get a NOPE!  "will you please taste this Phoenix?" he takes a fork full puts the meat in his mouth and he spits the meat out in the trash can every single time.  at least he tastes the meat, which goes in the trash.  we have have been learning over time, about his intense dislike of meat.  I have read over and over that Crystal children are vegetarian.  but,I never understood how the crystal children became vegetarian. I always just assumed the child was vegetarian  because of their parents being vegetarians.  or something like that?
my crystal child love vegetables,  you can place a piece of corn on the cob, and lima beans on his plate and Phoenix is so excited to eat. he says over and over "delicious" "delicious"
can you imagine?  I have a self made vegetarian.
Is your crystal child a vegetarian by choice?
amazing isnt it?

1 in 88

1-88
I cant believe out of all in the children in the world,  I was lucky enough for Phoenix to be chosen to be 1-88.
1-88 for Autism.
Chosen for Autism. I know we fly through life being different, and being viewed as not one of the normal.
I make my wish upon a star.  I wish, he could be normal for a moment, and wonder what would normal be like for Phoenix.
but, that would not be my son Phoenix.
I waited for you for so Long,
I cant believe I am one who was chosen to be Phoenix's mother.
I cant resist your smile, I stare into your eyes,  and a love so deeply only the Gods would understand.
I love when Phoenix hugs me close and I give him that squeeze around his back to make him feel better.
night time comes and I tuck you in, with all your blankets piled high.
1-88
think of 88 children called to line up row after row child after child.
 and One child is chosen. chosen for Autism.
1-88

Autism Strength

I find it ironic, just how many tales of Autism , Autism and super strength, that  I  have heard.  I never really thought about autism, strength and Phoenix.  but, I am here to share his story.
just after Phoenix's first birthday, he suffered his first double ear infection. Phoenix was prescribed is first antibiotic medication.  soon after his first dose of the liquid medication, he broke into a severe allergic rash, all over his tiny body.  I new something was wrong and rushed him to the doctor and he was prescribed another medication. On, his first dose he began fighting me but he took the medicine, he was only 15 months old.
Six months later, at  two years of age Phoenix developed another double ear infection and a very high fever. I tried to give him a dose of fever reducer medication, and he spit it all over the floor. In a panic I called the doctor and rushed him to the doctor's office.  Phoenix was prescribed a liquid antibiotic medication. I didn't think much of it.  I went to the pharmacy and got his medicine, I couldn't wait until Phoenix would feel better I thought to myself. His prescription medicine was filled, you know the bubble gum pink stuff. 
I rushed home to give Phoenix his first dose of medicine.  Thinking to myself, he is going like this pink bubblegum medicine.  but, to my amazement,  Phoenix spit the medicine back at me. he refused the medication.  I decided maybe to mix it with milk and Phoenix refused it, then we mixed it with soda. He would take one sip and hand it back to me.and still, Phoenix refused his medicine.  I was in a panic and called his daddy to come home and help me. Maybe his daddy could convince Phoenix to take the medicine.  but, to my sorrow, Phoenix refused his daddy.and Pink bubble gum medicine was everywhere, where Phoenix had spit it all over the place.  All I wanted was my son to get well.  filled with worry at this point as Phoenix's fever spiked even higher.  I ran a cold bath for him, while his daddy called the doctor. I managed to get his fever down, I grabbed him, dressed him, and we rushed him back to the doctor's office.  Phoenix's doctor recommended a shot of antibiotics.  We had no other option.  My son was in horrible pain in his ears by this point and his fever was creeping back but higher.
well, this was first clue of something different, as the nurse came in with the shot, with my son being very sick at this point. He began to fight his daddy.  Phoenix was terrified of the shot and his daddy could not hold Phoenix down for the shot. another nurse came in to help hold Phoenix along with the doctor,his daddy, and me at Phoenix's feet. All to get the antibiotic shot administered to my son. Phoenix weighed only twenty pounds at this age.  can you imagine how me and his daddy felt?  we were relieved he had an antibiotic in him, but we were confused at what had taken place between Phoenix and his refusal of all medicine, and him fighting and resisting the shot, and the strength it took to fight the doctor, his daddy, the nurse and myself.

when the time came for Phoenix's autism diagnosis, as per protocol Phoenix's autism doctor wanted to study and test  Phoenix's DNA to check for genetic mutations.
oh my goodness, it was time for a blood draw for the DNA test.  you would have thought Phoenix was fighting for his life, kicking and screaming, me and his daddy thought back to his antibiotic shot, and told the doctor we will need more help to get Phoenix's blood drawn.  it took two male nurses, the doctor, and his daddy to get this blood drawn. all I could do is stand out of the way with no expression.  I just wanted to hide from what i just saw.  Who was that child?  Phoenix became something I had never seen in him before. His eyes looked like black saucers filled with rage and strength.
from this point  on in Phoenix's childhood, at two years old, vaccinations,  were almost impossible.  it was the same drill, his nurses knew the deal with Phoenix, it  was going to be a fight, and he always needed at least three nurses.

I remember back to when Phoenix attended Early childhood his teacher and teacher's aid would tell me over and over, how strong he was. during his meltdowns was when he was at his strongest.  I found myself apologizing a lot for Phoenix's melt downs.

Even when Phoenix was simply playing with me, if we are playing tag, whew he gets so happy and excited, when he tags me I can feel a sting through my entire body. CHI

Now, that Phoenix is in a Private Autism School, I've heard more about the Strength of Autistic children. especially during a melt down situation for the child. it seems these children have the ability to tap into their adrenaline at any moment. When these children tap into their adrenaline, its an amazing sight.  I would like to compare this to the Incredible Hulk.  get ready for the Hulk.  they're just happy sweet children, then when something just isn't right, or they can not get their get their point across, or just don't get their way. expect to see an incredible transformation. from angel into a melt down. you wonder where your child goes? your child's strength has tripled like the Hulk. My Phoenix will fall to the floor during a meltdown and with all my strength I can not pick him up off the floor. he fights me with an incredible intense strength. there is no reasoning with him.  I can only hope to talk him through it and overwhelm him with my love, and I wait for my son to return. when he finally gets through the melt down.



 One day, I went to visit the autism school.  One of Phoenix's class mates was upset. It was incredible because he was fighting his teacher with intense strength, all over a stuffed animal he wanted to carry home.  I do not understand what these crystal's see in their stuffed animals, but they just love them. and you dare not take them away. or expect to fight.  I guess the stuffed animals make them feel better.  I do not know, but Phoenix's full sized bed is loaded with at least twenty stuffed animals and he loves every one of them. 
I am always so nervous when I visit the Autism school.  I never know what to expect.  All these children are exceptional! I believe Crystal children are our genuine Mutations .  All with their special abilities and non abilities. 

dreams of Autism

How many times must I Repeat this.
Some many people ask me I How felt, when  I received Phoenix's Autism diagnosis. most can not believe,  I did not feel sad, devastated, where there tears?  no tears.
I have always been just grateful to God,  that Phoenix was here.    He was a miracle, a real in person miracle.
I remember nights when I was pregnant, and I could not fall asleep, and I was alone by myself.  I could hear the whispers. the whispers, Your son will have Autism.  as I drifted to sleep, I said in my dreams, I can handle Autism, just make him appear. make him beautiful.  please, in my dreams I pleaded to the gods to make him appear like everyone else.

Autism is like stepping over Mountains, its an enormous leap. but, Phoenix is here
He was so little when we received his diagnosis of Autism. Phoenix was just two years old.

New Autism School

Phoenix has been going to his new Autism school.  I have even let him enjoy the school bus. My crystal baby is becoming a Crystal Child.
I cant believe Life is happening this way.  I always wanted Phoenix to live a normal life,  but he is not a normal child.  I have tried and tried.  Parents of typical children never know what this is like.
i think often that maybe Phoenix is the new Normal.
more and more of the children are being Born with Autism.   Does God have a Plan for Our Sons? 
Emotional but unemotional children.

the autism school sends home a journal everyday with a little a note.  most reading, Phoenix ate his sandwich and raisins.  He is so smart,  bla bla bla
it has been to school for fifteen days, and his journal always reads. He is smart.  but, what in the world is he doing to be called smart on most every journal entry.
sometimes i feel like the Autism School is just being nice in those journal entries.
isnt that the way it goes.

lately Phoenix has been driving me nuts.  He has learned how to use the remote control.  and he loves DVR.  he rewinds his favorite shows over and over.  he does learn to say new words this way. that repetition thing.

Power Outage and Autism

what a couple of strange days we have had.  we had a powerful storm roll through the mountains leaving millions without power.  electricity....
poor Phoenix.  autistics are so routine driven,  most autistics want their day planned the same everyday,  it builds comfort for them  i guess.  but, my gosh,  Phoenix did not understand why he could not watch his precious TV.   He kept grabbing the remote and pushing the buttons and nothing would happen for him.  shew,  Phoenix had the ultimate melt down.  it was already really quite because we didn't have any power and it was dark.  Phoenix was fine with the darkness, but the no TV.  his voice was vibrating the walls.  there was not anything i could do to calm him.   his meltdown felt like an eternity...  screaming, fist pounding madness.  a temper tantrum five fold.
Phoenix finally calmed down,  he gave me a hug and started playing with a flash light.
and he was happy again.  then daddy went and got a generator, and Phoenix could watch a dvd movie.  he was so happy, laughing and giggling watching TV. Phoenix's daddy became a savior in the eyes of Phoenix.  finally something normal, while going with out power and cold showers.
it took a number of days before the power was restored and some people are still sadly without power.with millions without power i know some of the people have a child with Autism.  my goodness what a total upheaval  in routine. i prayed for a lot of patience...
 and one gallon of bubble juice help Phoenix make it through the boredom.  bubbles are wonderful, ya know?
 Phoenix is almost balanced back out and back in to routine.  he still doest understand not going to school.  the autism school closed because of the power outage.  he was ready for school this morning. 
he sadly took off his shoes and sat on the couch with me and watched the morning news.
I made him his favorite breakfast. plain  toast and one box of raisins.

Disconnected

can you tell me if this life is fair?
I wish I knew.
as everyday passes I feel more and more disconnected from  my family. maybe they think of me sometimes.
I dont know why. autism maybe.
People always fear what they do not understand. but a family I do not have.  its pretty sad.
It came clear to me when asked at one of Phoenix's meetings with the school board,  Do you have any kind of support system,  or family to help you out with Phoenix? I smiled and looked at my husband, and we shook our heads no.  No one, just us.
I do not mean to be to so disconnected. 
I feel that love went away when I moved away.  Out of site out of mind.
All I have to talk to is you, and the rest of world.
I wish my family just had a minute with Phoenix in his own enviroment.  He is brillant beautiful child. and I wish they wanted to get to know him.  time just keeps speeding up, every minute going faster and faster. before we know it time is up. Phoenix is already five.  I often think, maybe they just do not want to know him. it hurts. I try to understand how people become so self absorbed with themselves. I will never understand.
nothing is ever easy.
has Autism disconnected me too?

I will move on now. 

brown liquid

I have not ever been truly scared in my entire life.  but, autism scares me.  i know i am not suppose to feel this way, but i do.  some days a strong regression shows in Phoenix.  he becomes a different child when he drinks any type of cola beverage.  Phoenix calls it brown liquid.  after he drinks a sip he slips away.  it almost a allergic reaction.  he drops to the floor and starts spinning in circles like a demon possessed child.  and he starts grinding his teeth...     its strange.  this beverage that most people have tasted once in their life,  the bubbles,  the yummy of it all.  everyone enjoys a soda every once in a while.  some people have this soda every single day. Phoenix, who i wish could be normal just a little bit, can not have even  a taste.  can you imagine no brown cola in your life? its pretty simple for most of us.  Autism is not. Phoenix is not. being  Crystal is not.
after just a sip it took Phoenix three days to recover.  no more soda in the house for sure.

another planet

Phoenix has developed a new sensory issue.  teeth grinding.  if you have ever watched any of the Predator movies,  the Predator makes these crinkle sounds.  and that's exactly what my child sounds like when he grinds his teeth.  if you did not comprehend by now,  Autism is a new discovery and new adventure, whether it be positive or negative every day.  Even though Phoenix loves routines,  every day is different.

I do not grasp the teeth grinding sensory.  I wonder what it means for him, every time he grinds his teeth and crackles.

have you heard about these new children,  the crystals, and autism?
are these autistic children mutations?  mostly boys.  born for a reason  beyond our  imaginations,
 intensive strong children, some born  with autism have zero emotions. some born with autism feel no pain,  some born with autism have no words.  some born with autism have an incredible memory.  in the years to come, the future,  we will learn more about these children. why do they have these abilities and why we do not?  maybe we should not try to cure autism. maybe we will learn more from these children.
it is June of 2012.  what will we learn next about these autistic crystal children.

when you see one of these children, you will meet autism, a miracle being though.  these children are so different than the typical children.  Phoenix barely acknowledges other children his age.  he always chooses to play alone or on a another planet.

Star's revenge

I am be confused,
I have spent seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, years, and centuries,  thinking about you. wondering about you.  somedays you would appear to me.  in my thoughts, in my prayers and dreams, of you.
why was I one of the thousands of mothers to be chosen ?  I do not know.  maybe, because I love  his father, like no other.

I already know,  you hear my prayers and my cries.
I know people since Ancient times, have kneeled and prayed to you.
what if I never thought of you again. what would that be like?
If I never said your name again, would you notice?
My Sun My Moon My Earth..
I know I  can be a driving force of energy, that Ball of fire, I am from another World. that Star.....
I have given you myself, but you leave me alone.
my heart crashes some days,   it makes me so blue.  I have no one.
Worshippers have cursed the gods since  the beginning of Religion.
Curse the Gods.  Would I? of course.... 
I know the Gods need Us. without our prayers and thoughts and even without our cursing the gods, without that energy you, God .. would dissappear and become nothing. Dissapear just like I have.  too long ago and too far apart.


Autism can be cruel, Autism can be a blessing. stealing my son's ability to communicate is cruel. Autism is emotional somedays everyday.  Autism isolates us.
I have to own a special reserve of Patience for Autism..  my Patience can never run out in Phoenix's Autistic world.parents of autism understand this.  why dont you?  why dont you have any patience for  a minute of my world?
I hear you complain, when their was only a few moments spent with you.


 it can be a lonely ..  you know how lonely I must be.
always something better over there. Somedays I need Love and Not for you to turn, around and run and listen to someone else.  Always ready to love and give yourself to another, they need you more I guess.
I know, a  Present from you, would be nice, but I would prefer some simple  Bliss, even someone elses bliss...passed over again.  for someone else or something better. story of my world  it seems.
Oneday,  I hope you cry. and feel something, anything,  from my spiritual level.


we are not even speaking,  unbelievable.  is their any chance for us?  you clearly do not need my love.
I already know,  there will never be a day.  when i talk to you,  you seem to need  me,  i know better.
somethings should never be said.
 you must  confuse me with another..  the damage done to my heart, well, when it comes to you I have  no more tears....  damage,  you do not have to say i love you.  God, i wish you were not real.


time will always move forward.  and when that day comes when you need me, I do not know where I will be.   maybe I will pass you by and your heart can hurt ,like my heart hurt.  you pass by me over, and over.. always something better over there... how could  you keep passing me by, the one thing that you are suppose to love until forever?  you kept passing me by. how many times,god,  will you pass on me.  you have left me crying all alone on the porch .. so, so, many times. when all i had was you.  everyone knows it too. People watched you Pass me by.......  
I cant wait for you to cry and for you to feel some sort of pain or heart ache. i cant wait for your heart to ache, like my heart has been inflamed by your ability to pass me over with zero guilt.
 
 If  you never heard my  voice again..... would it matter? probably not,  there are so many others that praise you.

I miss you  ,you whisper .. I hear,lies, lies,  who are you talking too??  not me, that must have been that other girl.
I do not even know her anymore.

 I dont need anything from you and I need everything from you.  but you dont hear it..  you have made me live my life without you.

 
Now, so many people know me... and you have know idea..


with the days new sunrise maybe. I will think of god with love again. and once again praise you.

Open your Heart and Your Mind to Autism

another season Ends another one begins.
the little Phoenix is growing up so fast.  He is a Giant among his peers.in height, in strength.
Phoenix has been accepted into Summer School at the Autism Center.
He needs to learn to Blend in with today's modern society, and at the Autism Center they will  teach him these skills.   these skills, in which the typicals are naturally born with.
I try to smile about Phoenix going to the  Autism Center.
I know I am on my Own with this.  Phoenix's father has a difficult time accepting  Autism.
Its to Hard for him to handle,  leaving me feeling  alone with you.
its hard sometimes for me too.  I just want  Phoenix to feel normal. and feel...
the school system where we live  give  children test to enter into jk.
In Phoenix's first ever school test,  the little fellow, tested into  Junior Kindergarten.
But, because of his lacking of social skills, and lack of patience for anything,  he will start school this fall at the Autism School.  Autism  is very difficult to wrap your mind around.  I have encountered ten autistic children over the last couple years. Every one different.



Open your heart and mind to Autism,  I always tell Phoenix's father.  His father has a hard time with acceptance of Phoenix's Autism.  I understand, he is not the only father to feel some sort of loss. the love of a father to a son is one of the greatest forces on Earth.
this love of a father to a son has ran deep since Ancient times. Since ancient times,  from Pharaohs, to  kings, to an everyday father wishing for his son to takeover the family business..  A father Always wishes for a Son.especially a first born Son.the desire to have a son is  very strong.


 Our reality is, Autism,  just sneaks up on you.like a crushing hammer.  the father already had dreams of his son, from school years, to military service,  to becoming a contributing adult to society. Beginning with the Autism Diagnosis.  All your dreams come crashing to the ground at  that very  moment of the autism diagnosis.
and the father is Left with Wonder??
he wonders if he will speak?
he wonders if I will ever hear my son  say the words... I love you
he wonders if he graduate High School?
he wonders if my son will ever get married?
he wonders if he will have a friend?
he wonders....
he wonders.....
it hurts for a while.
but then you realize the miracle,  the miracle your son is here.
 In a new Age and a new day dawning. Different but the same.  the new crystal children are here.
Most in disguise..and some are Brave. blazing a  trail.
you know,  i often get a chance to wonder myself.
I wonder why most Autistic children have difficult time understanding conversation
I wonder when will people figure out that these Autistic Childen, are here for a reason, maybe we shouldnt try to make them blend in with  Society.
I wonder why the sudden increase in  Autism  diagnosis.  1-55 Boys.
Imagine lining up 55 little boys in a row.  and One of them will be diagnosed with Autism.
These children are here for a reason.
I wonder,  are these Autistic Children  real earth world mutations?
I wonder why Phoenix loves Hugging trees..
I wonder why Phoenix loves the rain
I wonder why Phoenix loves Shapes.
I wonder , how did he get so strong
I wonder why other Autistic children love me,  one I met even calls me mama.

the insomnia of my life

its was past midnight and i could not go to sleep. that insomnia thing often takes hold of me. my life long problem of drifting to sleep.
it last to long, insomnia
i wonder ...while i lay in my bed, and stare down my hallway. it seems a lot of things manifest there
i wonder, as i try to fall a sleep.
if i had not waited so long for Phoenix
Phoenix
i dont make the rules.
I have taken so many chances, but that's how life goes.
believe me, the Sun in your eyes makes life worth living. Phoenix
i dont know how but i can read your mind.
i try so hard to sleep.
the dream is to drift away.
just for a day.

dark time of the year

some days I am at a dark spot of emptiness in my self, its winter time in the mountains you know.the dark time of the year.
I am keep calling to the gods, do you hear me calling you. do you hear me calling you? you have always been there for me. I know you can hear me Now.
it will not be long now, and i will call to you No More.
My call to you will become screams. loud screams, begging you to break the curse of Autism.
it is the dark time of the year
i have lost all my thoughts and thrown them to the darkest of nights.
I do not know if Phoenix has improved. I hear his words. it seems i am the only one who understand his words.
Autism is his curse. Autism is my curse.
maybe, i wanted you so deeply madly,Phoenix. i caused your curse. my selfish love and wanting of one of my dreams to come true.
I have been told many, times, by different people in Phoenix's life. That Autistic children are gifted. I do not know what that gift maybe, for Phoenix. Phoenix's gift could be his mere existence into this world.
the warmth of Phoenix's touch. and the sweetness of his kisses.
how Phoenix came to be was not very simple. a miracle, the gift of his life. from years before conception until his birthday.
i waited so long, i will wait some more.
One day when the wind blows the right direction, I will hear three words from Phoenix. i love you.

School for Early Crystals

Phoenix has been enjoying his Early Childhood class. He has been so excited to get to school lately. he runs to his classroom every morning.
I enjoy seeing the typical children as well as the special needs children. There is a grand mix of children in this years Early Childhood class.
The Early Childhood Class should be called School for Early Crystals.
Another crystal has appeared in the class. and Phoenix Found this one. A girl. She is one of the most beautiful children I have ever seen. the biggest clue of this crystal child, she has giant light blue eyes.
Phoenix grabbed this little girl's hand during playtime Outside, and ran with her to the bench, so, she would sit with him. Phoenix rarely plays with the other children. This was a Huge moment for Phoenix. I do not know what they could have been talking about. but, they were holding hands sitting on the bench.
Then Phoenix, pushed her to the ground and ran away.
Why did he have to push her down, when he had done, so, well communicating with her.
I worry about Phoenix, does he have a conscious?
He is four years old,I remind myself. hey, its hard to keep positive when your child has been diagnosed with Autism.
I try, All reason aside, I have not cried over it.
because I am reminded so graciously from god.
the book of Thomas. from the lost books.
we were all children once.
even Jesus was a child at one time.

School for Early Crystals
Phoenix goes to school to learn social skills and speech. this little crystal biggest skill to learn in school is Patience.
Phoenix has zero patience and he hates waiting in Line in school for things. His Zero patience has gotten him second place in the lunch room line everyday.
Maybe that was his goal to begin with.
I think All People hate waiting, and People hate waiting in lines in amusements parks,we hate waiting in line at the Grocery store. lines line lines
This a normal thing, but Phoenix does not understand the waiting. He thinks things are suppose to happen when he wants them to. snap snap

those Shoes have Heels

very curious a crystal child is.
anything new, they wish to observe, quietly, they stare. and sometimes they make a quick move.

I went to pick my autistic crystal up from his early childhood class. everyday, his teachers give me the run down on his behavior, his triumphs, and failures of the day.
this particular day, Phoenix was still napping. and it took me a while to wake him up.
his teacher finished with the other students and came over to talk to me.
she started speaking with a giggle, "we had a volunteer helper from the high school today and she was wearing stiletto four inch heels" and Phoenix was curious so very curious.
first the volunteer went outside to the playground and those heels were sinking into the playground with every step she made Phoenix was at her feet. Phoenix was curious, why was her high heels going into the ground. the volunteer then realized maybe she should take those high heels off. then Phoenix really was thrown off. you are suppose to have on shoes when you go outside. Phoenix kept trying to put her high heel shoes back on her feet. Phoenix had never seen shoes like that before.
when the children came back inside from playing, the volunteer put back on her shoes. Phoenix was at her feet by now, closely examining the heels of her shoes.
the volunteer decided to walk away and as her heel went up Phoenix grabbed a hold of the heel of her shoe to look at the heel closer and the entire class watched as she tumbled to the floor. She went down because of Phoenix being curious.
His autism could be the reason for him being so curious about the high heel shoes.
his teacher said the volunteer learned not to wear those kind of shoes today. I cant even wear high heels with Phoenix, I bought a pair of really cute wedges, and no way can I wear those shoes out with Phoenix and those slick as glass floors.
i felt so bad as a mother. Phoenix did not intend for the volunteer to fall to the ground. luckily she was okay and laughed about it.

chomp chomp

Phoenix has been going to speech therapy once a week to his private speech therapist and twice a week with his school speech therapist. it seems some days Phoenix makes great strides with speech and language, and then their are those Other Days. Autistic parents know what those Other days are.
My Other Day consisted of Phoenix's teacher showing me the bite marks on her arm. Phoenix was drinking water out of the sink and his teacher grabbed him from behind,startled him, and Phoenix took a bite,chomp. god, dont ask me why Phoenix did it. I wanted to rip his little head off. I could not believe my eyes when i saw the mark on her arm. Phoenix's teacher was very nice and understanding. She said he is mild compared to what she handled at the Autism Center. I know his teacher is trained to handle these situations, but still.,,,,,,,,,,, it doesnt make me feel any better. i just feel lost in these transitional Autism moments....
Phoenix had his four year wellness check up.complete with vaccines, oh it was madness. just madness. Phoenix had to be held down by his father and two nurses, while the doctor gave him the vaccines. his doctor referred us to a near by university, to maybe help more with his speech and language. his asian doctor said sometime Autistic children never improve. i was crushed .
I knew she was probably right. I have had opportunities to see other autistic children, some on one end of the Autism spectrum,and the rest on the other end. Phoenix is in the middle,i would guess.
His speech is improving, but at snail's speed.

the Spoken Word is a foreign language to An Autistic Crystal

I have been thinking about this story for a while now. sometimes it takes me a while to get my thought on here. I am have been doing the best i can . phoenix's father has been home on vacation. my goodness, i find it impossible to write when he is home.
Over the last couple of weeks Phoenix has been enjoying educational videos on the computer.and after the insistence of Phoenix's speech therapist, i searched for a verb video. and what i discovered was more than a verb video.
for my Phoenix, the spoken word is forced. if given the choice, Phoenix probably would not talk.
I always remind him" Use your words!"
I remember when Phoenix said his first words, he was 18 months old, and he tried to say dada.. but it did not sound like dada, it was more a deedee.
i know most people have taken a class in a foreign language, spanish, french, Italian,,
we would learn to speak their foreign accent, sound and words.
teaching Phoenix English, is what comes to mind. So, I began with a Present Continuous verb video.
you are watching tv
are you watching tv
you are not watching tv

and wow, what an incredible response i have had with Phoenix. His vocabulary is growing.
teaching Phoenix English?or the spoken word......... hmm

the Incredible Sense of Balance

The little crystal baby Phoenix is back in school. and i am back at my desk. wow, it feels great to have a clear mind. shew, Phoenix was a handful this Summer. but, i think we worked hard on his letters and numbers, which he absolutely loves, loves,loves, letters and numbers. he always has. even his speech therapist has mentioned to me his incredible love of Letters and numbers. Phoenix his now beginning to learn the sounds of the alphabets. its been very easy for him. With Phoenix's visual learning abilities, and fantastic music internet phonics videos, played over and over. Phoenix is learning fast. sadly, Phoenix's early childhood teacher told me she did not know yet if Phoenix would go to junior kindergarten or to a special education class. Phoenix's teacher explained to me that J/K is academically driven. i think to myself "WTH" Phoenix will not stay still in a chair for longer than 10 minutes, so,, yep. I am sorry my four year son cant stay STILL! Right?
But, Phoenix, can write his name and his letters. oh, why, does Autism have do be so Complex and emotional?...

I would like to share with you today something I have been noticing more and more with Phoenix. It is HIGHLY noted that Crystal Children have an incredible Sense of Balance.
I have noted on this Blog somewhere, i am sure, when Phoenix was about two years old, he began to climb on top of our dining room table, and walk to the edge of the table and balance off the table,tipping his toes forward. it was incredible to witness, my sons girlfriend even noted it.
it was completely normal for Phoenix to do this. balance off the ends of furniture. I thought this is what was meant by, Crystal Children have an incredible Sense of Balance........
to my surprise, this summer. Phoenix began doing another type of Balance.
Phoenix can Flip and Cart wheel, and Now, he stands on his head on furniture and balances on his head, with his feet and knees and he moves back and forth like a clock pendulum.
Its incredible, its like he is in perfect motion and Balance with all that IS......
that incredible sense of Balance is, not What I thought it was. It's Not What I thought AT ALL.
Its not only Phoenix's ability to to Balance off a table, or balance a tight rope, or balance across a Balance Beam in gymnastics.
Its the Balance of All things.
Phoenix is Mastering Balance more and More everyday. Balance. and not by me. I dont know where he comes up with what he does. How did he Know to stand on his Head and Swing his body in perfect Motion and Balance. You would now believe how happy and content Phoenix is when he is balancing upside down, on his head with his legs and feet perfectly placed to balance back and forth for minutes upon minutes.
Crystal Children are incredible. Balance is so important. I have never seen a child, my child, who needs both of his parents every single day. again, balance....balance everything that is Balance.

Summer is about to end

Phoenix has consumed me this summer. day in and day out. Phoenix, Phoenix ,Phoenix. My son. I dont think you realize how much energy it takes to be a Mother to one of these Crystal children. I knew before he was born, he was going to be a handful. I feel like i am loosing my mind.
I think i will be able to Remove this Summer writers block. the last day of school seems like a life time ago. I feel like i have been gone from Autism and the Crystal Baby for So Long.
I have been struggling with writing lately. I know where i am needed. and its here.
Autism , the Gift of Autism, the Curse of Autism. Or Simply Phoenix Does Not Like to talk verbally. AT ALL. Phoenix would be happy if he didnt have to say another word.
next week, school begins, Phoenix will return to School, with new classmates. and Typicals, Typicals. I just want to hide sometimes. My Phoenix is not like your typical Four year old. and I feel Like the entire world Knows and Sees it. I can Not second guess myself. I have a lot to write. and then there are Parents who need to find me and read.
Phoenix is four years old. He can write his name. and can write and draw, letters and numbers and can read a few simple words. its Unbelievable what Phoenix is capable of. his mind has been like a sponge over the last four years.
I will try not to stay away for so Long...........................